Jokes 08-24-10

An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon. After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions. They yell to a jogger, “Hey, can you tell us where we’re at?” After a few moments the jogger responds, “You’re in a hot-air balloon.” The engineer says, “You must be a mathematician.” The jogger, shocked, responds, “Yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?”
“Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless.”

Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die. Upon Jeff’s arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
“Where is my friend Mike?” Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, “Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven.”
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, “Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is ok?”
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a  sandy beach with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and also with a keg of beer.
“I don’t mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell,”
“It’s not as it appears to be,” says St. Peter. “You see, the keg has a hole in it… and the blonde doesn’t.”

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over all the students handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his tests, his test and $64 change.

A man is at the airport.
Name?
Abdul al-Rhazib
Sex?
Three to five times  a week.
No, no.. I mean male or female?
Male, female, sometimes camel
Holy Cow!
Yes, Cow, sheep, animals in general
But isn’t that hostile?
Horse style, doggy style, any style!
Oh Dear!
No, no! Deer run too fast!

Near Death Experience
A boss asked one of his employees, “do you believe in life after death?”
“Yes, sir” replied the new employee.
“I thought you would, said the boss. “Yesterday after you left to go to your brothers funeral, he stopped by to see you.”

Shame
“You should be ashamed,” the father told his son, Andy. “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk 10 miles everyday to get to school”
“Really?” Andy responded. “Well, when he was your age, he was president.”

Customer Bowled Over by Service
A car mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clanking noise when going around a corner so he took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk.
When he arrived back at the garage he returned the car to the service manager with this note: “Remove bowling ball from trunk.”