Jokes 05-24-10

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus the man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.
The man sympathized and said “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”
“You’re right,” she said. “ I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”
“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “ I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a  day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 lbs.”
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing! the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nodded, “I’ll tell you though, I thought i was going to drop dead that 3rd day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.”
“No, from all that skipping.”

Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. “What are we going to do with our beers? We’re in trouble!”
“No” the driver says, “it’s ok, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.
The police office then walks up and says, “You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?”
“Oh, no, officer,” says the driver, pointing to his forehead, “we’re trying to give up, so we’re on the patch.”

An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?” The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.

A man is talking to the family doctor. “Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.”
The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.”
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” he doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”