- Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
- Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
- There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
- I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
- Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
- Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
- I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila
- If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
- I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
- When in doubt, mumble.
- I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
- Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
- A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
- A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
- Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
- I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
- Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
- You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
- Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
- Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
- If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
- If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
- Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
Yet another 27 One Liners
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