1. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
  2. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
  3. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
  4. I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
  5. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
  6. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
  7. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila
  8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
  9. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
  10. When in doubt, mumble.
  11. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
  12. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  13. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
  14. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  15. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  16. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
  17. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
  18. Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
  19. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
  20. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  21. Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
  22. Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
  23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  24. If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
  25. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
  26. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
  27. Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.