Men vs. Women

Why is it that God has seen fit to make women and men so different? Besides the obvious differences, genitalia, femininity, child bearing and menstrual cycles, there are a thousand diametrical contradictions between us. It’s because of his sense of humor, that’s why. He had just finished building the earth, heavens and eternity and when Sunday rolled around it was Miller time or something. He made Adam, borrowed a rib and then came Eve. THAT is where things got messed up right there. I bet the first thing Adam had to do was take out the trash, sore ribs and all. She didn’t care that God hadn’t created light yet. She was perfectly happy bitchin’ in the dark.

I’ve heard it said a million times that men will never understand women. I beg to differ. We DO understand women, we just don’t frickin believe it that’s all. Argue, argue, argue, bitch, bitch, bitch. Man. All the time. They say never go to bed mad at each other. Really? What does that even mean? Stay up and fight? Women know stuff that men don’t and it’s not fair. They have long memories too. Why is it that in the midst of a heated argument, they will bring up something that happened five years ago that has nothing to do with what we’re arguing about? Nothing. In shock, we stand there with that dumbfounded, deer in the headlights look trying to figure out what just happened. It changed the whole topic. And while we’re standing there in total disbelief trying to figure out what just happened, they are so far along in their wailing we have no choice but to give up and lose. It’s at this juncture we know it’s over and anything said past this point is the start of a brand new argument.

My wife not only knows every single birthday and anniversary in her family, but mine too! I don’t care who you are, this is contrary to the ordinary course of nature. Borderline savant. She’s damn hard to argue with I’ll tell you that. Sometimes I feel like we, as men, don’t have much of a chance. And boy do they love their children. I’m not saying men don’t, we do, just not like they do. Women know every little detail about them. Birthdays, allergies, likes, dislikes, boyfriends and how to buy school supplies. They know shoe sizes, how big they are in the waist, what their favorite colors are. Men are vaguely aware of some little people living in the house. In all fairness, and I’ve always said, if it weren’t for women there would be, like 6 people on the planet. Yeah we’re different. I guess it’s better that way somehow. I just wish the footing was a little more even that’s all.
As it is, women will always sit and listen to a ten year old for an hour talk about how he almost caught a fly ball, and be just as proud of them as they can be. But men? We’ll always want to knock a fart out of him for making an error in left field.

Growing Old…

At 59, I think I’ve noticed that deterioration has not only become foreseeable but inevitable. I feel like one of those public statues that attract pigeons. I’ve crossed the half-century mark, and already sense the whoosh of angel wings around my shoulders. I find it shocking, and scary, that I’m now closer to eighty than twenty, closer to ninety than ten. I swear it was only yesterday that I was throwing baseballs over our house and screaming “Annie Over”. Now I have little hairs sprouting from various parts of my nose and ears. The barber’s scissors have become a nuisance in only reminding me of the march of time.

My ten-year-old inner self still grimaces at the reading glasses that lay on virtually every table at my house. The flecks of white in the eyebrows and beard, the wrinkles that seem to grow everyday. As an analogy, I think life is a lot like a toaster. You go in soft, pliable, and out pops a dried up old person. I guess that beats not popping out at all. Over the coming years I can look forward to liver spots, failing memory, calcified arteries, digestive miseries, prostate and bladder complaints, faulty hearing, sadistic joints and those damn free radicals overtaking every cell in my body. I’ve already shrunk half an inch from my once proud six-foot three inch stature. It doesn’t seem possible that I’ve already outlived most of my friends and some of my family, considering all that I’ve done. Hell, if I were to keel over tomorrow I’d be less famous than a Chia Pet. That’s a sad piece of information right there.

It’s already too late for me to become an astronaut or a nuclear physicist or maybe a writer. And as proof of that fact, I just gave up on finding three synonyms for “detestable.” What’s even more troubling than the relentless march of time is its damnable tendency to accelerate as we age. When I was a child of six, one year was an entire universe of discovery and jubilation, a vast arena in which every experience tasted like a new ice cream flavor. Peach today, Rocky Road tomorrow. A year represented a massive chunk of my child life. But now, being a man of age, a year encompasses a mere two percent of the territory, a barely perceptible blip on the scale of a life time. Days become weeks, weeks become months, months become years. I’m thinking of all the time I’ve spent checking e-mail, brushing my teeth, driving, nodding off during business meetings, or reading the sports section for the thousandth time. Add up all those forgettable moments and it’s no wonder I misplace car keys, forget to water the garden or wash the damn truck. Hell, sometimes I misplace an entire decade.

Although, I’m not without weapons in the war against time. None of us are. I mean, if you think about it. I snatch victories when and where I can by creating moments, like walking in the rain, fishing on a beautiful lake in the evening or appreciating how the sun looks as it too, disappears over the horizon. But even those memories recede eventually. I try and fill my life with the love of family and friends. But even my favorite people tend to mutate over time. Sometimes into odd and unrecognizable people. I have convinced myself that I’m growing in wisdom, even though I’m losing mental dexterity along with precious I.Q. points seemingly everyday. I argue that time and gravity are the same. Both pulls us into a steeper and faster descent, we narrow our focus to the path ahead, dodging the occasional obstructions, hitting one every now and then. They seem to just poke up from no where. In the descent, you begin to spot the bodies of the luckless ones who crashed or spun out of control, former people you’ve known who came to grief in their own descent. We pass them, we pass everything in a blur as we accelerate, thinking we’re still in control, but no one ever survives that sudden stop. It’s like jumping from a 50 story building. Down around the 25th floor or so, you’re thinking, well, so far so good. Cause of death? Stop trauma. We then close our eyes and enter the next realm of possibility.

Low Riders

Today I saw a kid, who couldn’t have been no more than 12. His pants were down over his hips and just above his penis. I am sure this appendage was the only thing keeping his pants from falling off completely. He would take three steps and pull them up, take three steps and pull them up. Without realizing, his taste in fashion, or lack thereof, is leading to a compulsive disorder that could possibly stay with him into adulthood. What is up with kids these days? Maybe his family lineage has a long line of plumbers. Maybe it’s really not butt crack just rear cleavage. Maybe his gene pool needs some chlorine. Is it a tough boy thing? Showing your crack builds street cred’s or something. There are probably degrees of street credits. Like, no belt, you’re cool, but a novice, 1 credit. No belt, small shoestring around two belt loops, add a slight droop 2 street cred’s and you can hang out behind the gym with the rest of the fashion challenged. Sagger’s, low riders, what do you call them? There is legislation in some states that actually prohibit this style of dress with fines and jail sentences for non-conformists. I guess it’s good that the government has stepped in to help the rest of us respectable citizens with real class.
I just hope they don’t make me remove my dangling bull nuts from my truck bumper…

Things better left unsaid

We’ve all had those times when something comes out of our mouths that was meant to stay locked away forever. Except of course those things you can’t wait to share with your best friend and only if it’s behind the other persons back. I knew the meatloaf was horrendous and instantly thought meatlump, definitely not meatloaf. But in saying so, and using my most sweetest tone, a cataclysmic chain of events set in motion that made the Big Bang theory look like snap, crackle, pop. Apparently when asked if I liked it, I missed that suttle expression on her face. Men know that look. We have been genetically bred for thousands of years to aim ahead of the fleeing antelope, what formation to use against an attacking tribe, how to keep beer at that perfect temperature. At the top of all our survival instincts is knowing “that look”. That look of pride in knowing something they’ve done is remarkable. That look of, go ahead, say it, I’m awesome. It’s a twitch of the eyebrow, that certain purse of the lips, the look in their eyes. I totally missed it. Damn. And women have remarkable memories. It’s been 12 years since I’ve had meatloaf. I got it at Golden Corral one time and she made me put it back. Yes, we all say things that are better left unsaid. My buddy told me it has happened to him as well. The other night he and his wife were eating dinner and having a casual conversation. He told me, what I meant to say was “honey would you please pass the peas..”, but it came out “you fat cow, you’ve ruined my friggin’ life.” It’s been two weeks now and he’s still on my couch. They’re trying to work it out through counciling.

Constant Struggle

I am always in a constant struggle in some part of my life. It’s a never ending battle of how to get by. I went to Brookshire Brothers to pick up some toilet paper and came close to a coronary when I saw the entire aisle filled with a virtual cornucopia of defication removal products. There was Cottonelle, Northern, Charmin, the list was endless. I thought about the bears on TV, you know, the ones that have the toilet paper lint stuck to their butts? I couldn’t for the life of me remember what brand they used. I certainly have enough problems in my life without having to worry about lint on my butt. The prices were ridiculous. The cheap kind was one ply and I know what a bad idea that is. Are there really people out there that use one ply? I will always wonder who they are and vow to never shake their hand again. Unless of course they’re of Arab descent. Their culture uses the left hand for this cumbersome, but necessary deed. I walked from one end of the aisle to the other. I remember thinking, what a booming business this is. In the old days people used grass, leaves, fur, mussel shells and of course who doesn’t remember their grandmothers Sears and Roebuck catalog. At my age, my brain has become a 20 terabyte hard drive filled with useless information. To prove it, did you know that “splinter free” toilet paper didn’t come out until 1935? Can you imagine? After the fourth trip down the aisle and passing the Angel Soft I decide to not put myself through this any longer. I will put toilet paper out of my mind for good and let my wife deal with this. As I am leaving I pass a woman pushing her basket and I wonder, is she a “wadder” or a “folder”?

How to discover your intentions:

Good intentions are the ultimate choice of improving your life. If you have bad intentions, it is a sign you are filled with greed, envy, hate and so on. You want all these negative influences out of your life. Intentions are powerful. Intentions tell others where our goals are heading. It is our purpose. Intentions are our motive that helps us to achieve our objectives.

To learn your intentions you must put forth effort. Sometimes you will feel grouchy, and grit your teeth, yet as you continue to learn you will see a light at the end of the tunnel. So what if some of your intentions are bad. Welcome to reality, humanity and imperfection. Yet, you can change those bad intentions to good thoughts. The key to find your intentions is to consider discovering. Acquire the determination to reach for the stars, learn about you, decide what you want and move ahead. Take the action so that you can develop healthier thoughts, habits, behaviors etc that guide you to success.

The system of entry:
It always helps a person to write down their intentions. When you enter your intentions on paper, it helps you to discover you. Many people do not like to write, however if you keep a journal you can look back later to see your growth stage. It only takes a few minutes daily to jot down your feelings, thoughts, ideas and so on.

Accessing your interests and strengths within:
To access your interests, first you have to sit down and consider what you want. Once you decide what you want, you will need to write a plan, set goals and take action. Move to get what you want. To access your strengths, test your abilities and skills. What can you do best? How can you use your skills and abilities to improve your personal life?

Once you access your inner you, you can move to set your own standard of living. Do not live for others; rather learn to live for you. As you move ahead, explore your vocation paths. Do you see you in the future enjoying the job you love? Do you see you in the future working at the same company going nowhere? If you see yourself stuck, check your options to find a way to better your situation. You can start by identifying the jobs that peek your interest. Once you discover what you want to do, set up strategies to achieve your goals. Take action and move ahead.

How it is done:
Discover you and what options you have available. Pull up resources. In fact, build resources. Resources are the key that unlocks the doors to success. Check your intentions. What is the ideal vocation for you? Pull up your assets and use them to your advantage. Do a job search to help you find a new career that makes you happy. Always follow through with your plans. Never give up and demand results.

To achieve your goals discover your wants.

Take action by recording your specific needs and wants. Review the inner pictures you develop and listen to the voices that tell you how you can improve your personal life. We have cute little thingy ma-jigger that tells us when we do wrong. Learn to train your conscious to live healthier. We have another cutie inside us, which is called instincts. Learn to re-establish your instincts and listen. Listening is the key to help you improve your personal life. Learn how to recognize your bodies needs also.

10 inspirational quotes that can improve yourself

It might take a little coffee or probably a few rounds of beer or any other booze you could get your hands on when it comes to relaxing after a hard day’s work. Well, yeah I’m guilty about that one as well, unless I’m caught dead wearing a lampshade over my head after a few rounds of vodka… half-naked! Okay, bad example and I apologize to everyone reading this after getting nightmares about me in that state of drunken stupor.

Just don’t ask how it happened, please.

But what’s really interesting is that how do people go through the usual part of life when faced with vein-popping stress? I mean, the new age thing like Zen or yoga is one of the good things and it actually works. Is there room for the intellectual side of people who can actually smell the roses-in-a-can while on the move? It kind of had me thinking that there really must be something in this ‘mind-over-matter’ thing.

Humor is indeed the best medicine there is whenever you are. I mean anyone can pay good money to listen to a comedian just to make you wet your pants after laughing so hard. Despite of what’s been happening, and to those who has gone though the ordeal, it’s better to just laugh while facing the troubles with a clear mind than anger with a clouded vision. One of my favourite celebrities of all time may have to be Woody Allen. Now this is one guy who gives you the in-your-face bluntness that he pulls out with gusto, even without even trying. You can talk just about anything with a man, and he’s bound to mock the subject and you’ll end up laughing rather than being upset about it.

Woody Allen has this to say:

  1. “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” It sounds good to me, I mean the practicality of all things does involve money but it doesn’t have to take an arm and a leg to get it.
  2. “I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.” ‘Nuff said.
  3. “There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?” This happens to be one of the classic ones. I mean the issue about life’s little problems isn’t all that bad, until ‘he’ shows up.Sure, relationships can get complicated, or does have its complications that probably any author about relationships is bound to discover it soon. We follow what our heart desires, unless you’re talking about the heart as in the heart that pump blood throughout your body.
  4. “Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.” And if you want more, just keep on asking!
  5. “A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ‘no’.” It sounds, ‘practical’, I think.And when it comes to everyday life, he really knows how to make the best out of every possible scenario, and it doesn’t involve a lawsuit if he strikes a nerve.
  6. “Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.” I never had a boat in my bathtub before. Just staring at it while soaking in hot water makes me seasick already.
  7. “I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” If it rains, it pours.
  8. “I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.” It could get worse when you’re guzzling on beer… or mouthwash, and it happened to me once!
  9. “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” At least he doesn’t smite us with lightning, and I’m thankful for that.And despite of what may happen to all of us in the next ten, twenty, or even thirty years, I guess we all have to see things in a different kind of light and not just perspective. I can’t seem to imagine life without any piece of wisdom that could guide us. Whether we’re religious or not, it takes more courage to accept your fears and learn how to deal with them is all that matters when it comes to even just getting along.And to sum things up, here is the last nugget of wisdom to go by… however, whenever, and wherever we may be.
  10. “The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.”