Jokes 08-31-10

What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out.

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked the car. The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected, “Ouch! That ring is hurting me!” To which he replied “That’s no ring… That’s my watch!”

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. “I know you’ve been with a lot of women before. how many were there?” The husband replied, “Look, I don’t want to upset you, there were many. Let’s just leave it alone.” The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. “Let’s see.” he said “There was one, two, three four, five, six, you, eight nine…”

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her tits and an old man jerking himself off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says “What’s up with your neighbours? and the owner of the house says “Oh that’s the Robinson’s they’re both deaf. She’s telling him to go milk the cow and he’s telling her to go fuck herself!”

This guy is walking down the street, when a hooker approaches him and asks, “Say, wanna have a good time?” “Sure!” he says as they head off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes, all the whiles he’s staring at her. The hooker says, “Is this the first pussy you’ve seen since you crawled out of one?” The guy says “Nope, just the first one I’ve seen big enough to crawl back into.”

Jokes 08-24-10

An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon. After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions. They yell to a jogger, “Hey, can you tell us where we’re at?” After a few moments the jogger responds, “You’re in a hot-air balloon.” The engineer says, “You must be a mathematician.” The jogger, shocked, responds, “Yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?”
“Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless.”

Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die. Upon Jeff’s arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
“Where is my friend Mike?” Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, “Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven.”
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, “Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is ok?”
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a  sandy beach with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and also with a keg of beer.
“I don’t mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell,”
“It’s not as it appears to be,” says St. Peter. “You see, the keg has a hole in it… and the blonde doesn’t.”

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over all the students handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his tests, his test and $64 change.

A man is at the airport.
Name?
Abdul al-Rhazib
Sex?
Three to five times  a week.
No, no.. I mean male or female?
Male, female, sometimes camel
Holy Cow!
Yes, Cow, sheep, animals in general
But isn’t that hostile?
Horse style, doggy style, any style!
Oh Dear!
No, no! Deer run too fast!

Near Death Experience
A boss asked one of his employees, “do you believe in life after death?”
“Yes, sir” replied the new employee.
“I thought you would, said the boss. “Yesterday after you left to go to your brothers funeral, he stopped by to see you.”

Shame
“You should be ashamed,” the father told his son, Andy. “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk 10 miles everyday to get to school”
“Really?” Andy responded. “Well, when he was your age, he was president.”

Customer Bowled Over by Service
A car mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clanking noise when going around a corner so he took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk.
When he arrived back at the garage he returned the car to the service manager with this note: “Remove bowling ball from trunk.”

Jokes 08-17-10

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

Women might be able to fake orgasms but men can fake whole relationships.

Light travels faster then sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

Jokes 05-31-10

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked God for forgiveness.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the people in his car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you but it is on my list.

We Live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

We never really grow up we just learn how to act in public.

Jokes 05-24-10

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus the man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.
The man sympathized and said “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”
“You’re right,” she said. “ I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”
“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “ I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a  day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 lbs.”
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing! the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nodded, “I’ll tell you though, I thought i was going to drop dead that 3rd day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.”
“No, from all that skipping.”

Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. “What are we going to do with our beers? We’re in trouble!”
“No” the driver says, “it’s ok, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.
The police office then walks up and says, “You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?”
“Oh, no, officer,” says the driver, pointing to his forehead, “we’re trying to give up, so we’re on the patch.”

An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?” The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.

A man is talking to the family doctor. “Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.”
The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.”
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” he doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”

Jokes 05-17-10

Jim and Edna are both mental patients. One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn’t come up for air. Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so she dives in and pulls him out.
Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and says “Edna, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane saving another’s life, but unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom…”
“Oh no” Edna replies, “That’s where I put him to dry!”

Why was the name “P.M.S.” chosen?
Because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken.

How can you tell when a woman is about to say something intelligent?
When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me..”

What’s the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the fridge and goes to bed.
Married men come home, see what’s in the bed and goes to the fridge.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Jokes 05-10-10

A cop on a horse says to the little girl on the bike, “Did Santa get you that?”
“Yes,” replies the little girl.
“Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year.” and fines her $5
The little girl looks up at the cop and says. “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?”
The cop chuckles and replies, “He sure did!”
“well,” says the little girl, “Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse not on top of it!”

A young man asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?”
The father, surprised answers:
“Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breast are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, see them and they make you cry.”

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies.

Why is it hard to play the game “Uno with a group of Mexicans?
Because they all take the green cards.

A lady went to see a tarot reader who’ll predict her future:
Tarot reader: Lady, I’m sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.
Lady: Don’t tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation.

Jokes 04-19-10

Little Penis

A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid’s little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically.

The young man gives her a stern look and says, “You shouldn’t laugh, it’s been swollen like that for two weeks now!”

The Four Types of Sex
House Sex- When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
Bedroom Sex- After you have been married for awhile, you only have sex in the bedroom.
Hall Sex- After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “Fuck You”
Courtroom Sex- When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.

Golf Lesson
A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.
The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The Golf Pro says. “Not bad, now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife’s breast.”
The man follows the instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says “Excellent!”
Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.
Golf pro: “Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick.”
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
Golf Pro: “Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth.

Two teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.
The judge said, “That was great how did you do that?”
The boy told him, “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this, (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable.” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd boy)
“Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!”
“Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them this is your asshole before prison.”

Calling in Sick
Bob calls into his job:
Hey, boss I’m not coming to work today. I’m really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I’m not coming into work”
The boss says:
“You know Bob, I really need you today. When i feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.”
2 hours later Bob calls:
“Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I’ll be at work soon, by the way, you got a nice house.”

Jokes 01-08-09

Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, “I think I’m going to see a dietitian.”
Nina asks, “Why?”
Rosy answers, “‘Cause I need to know once and for all how many calories there are in semen.”
Nina replies, “I really have no clue, but if you’re swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you’re a little chunky.”

A middle-aged woman wakes up in the middle of the night and finds her husband at the kitchen table drinking whiskey.
She asks, “Why are you up so late at night?”
The man takes another drink and replies, “Do you remember when you were 16 and we first started dating?”
She is amazed that he is thinking of such a thing so late at night and replies, “Yes I do, dear.”
He takes another drink and continues, “Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car and he told me either I marry you or go to jail for 20 years? Well, today I would have gotten out!”

After a long day at work, a man realized it was his anniversary.
He raced to Victoria’s Secret and asked for the sheerest thing they had. He purchased the nightgown for $400 and raced home.
He ran inside and told his wife, “Go upstairs and put this on.” She went upstairs and opened her gift. She lifted the gown out and was stunned that it was transparent. She figured it would be just as good to just walk downstairs naked because her husband wouldn’t even notice, and she could return the gown for a refund in the morning.
As she walked down the stairs, the husband exclaimed, “Damn—for $400, you’d think they’d at least iron the damn thing!”

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to pick up his wife’s test results.
When he gets there, the nurse at the counter tells him that there is a small problem.
“We sent your wife’s blood in with another Mrs. Smith and the two tests results got mixed up. Now we don’t know which test is your wife’s and the results were bad and worse,” she says.
“Well, tell me the results for each test,” he replies.
“One test came back positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other came back positive for AIDS,” the nurse says. “Oh my god…what am I going to do?” Mr. Smith asks.
“Oh, don’t worry, the doctor came up with an idea,” the nurse replies reassuringly. “He said to drive your wife to the middle of town and drop her off there. If she remembers her way back home, don’t fuck her.”

A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips.”
The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, “Shit, me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

Jokes 01-01-09

Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.

An extremely ugly woman walks into a store with her two kids. The man at the counter asks, “Are they twins?”
The woman says, “No, he’s nine and she’s seven.” Then she says, “Why? Do you think they look alike?”
“No,” he replies. “I just can’t believe you got laid twice!”

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.” The man thought about it and told him he just would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”
The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories. One man says, “I had the worst Freudian slip the other day.”
The other man responds, “What the fuck is a Freudian slip?”
“You know,” says the first man. “It’s when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about. Like the other day I was at the airport, and this really sexy lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I asked her for ‘two pickets to Tittsburgh.”
The second replies, “Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It’s like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the orange juice, but instead I said, ‘You ruined my life, bitch!'”

Daniel turned very ill and was on his deathbed.
His wife sat at the bedside holding his hand, praying silently. He looked up and said weakly, “I have something I must confess.”
“There’s no need to,” his wife replied.
“No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother.”
“I know,” she replied. “Now just be still and let the poison work.”