Something To Offend Damn-Near Everyone


Something To Offend Damn-Near Everyone. . .

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.

How do you know you’re leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, “Let’s just be friends.”

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we’re nuts.

Why don’t bunnies make noise when they make love?
Because they have cotton balls.

Do you know why ghosts don’t make noise when they make love?
Because they have hollow weenies!

What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.

Mom’s have Mother’s Day, Father’s have Father’s Day.
What do single guys have? Palm Sunday

Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?

Miracle Whip.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

Are birth control pills deductible?
Only if they don’t work.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people have a chance to have sex too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
”Are you sure it’s mine?”

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

What three two-letter words denote “small”?
”Is it in?”

What’s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
The hooker will stop screwing you when you’re dead

While she was gone, the hooker left a sign on the door:
”Out to Lunch. Go Fuck Yourself.”

If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.

What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
”Oh look! Doughnut seeds!”

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They’re hiring.

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mon., Wed., and Friday?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO”!

What’s the Cuban national anthem?
”Row, Row, Row Your Boat”

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…”
A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…