Kelly Brook was born in Kent, Rochester, England in 1979. She spent three years training in singing, dancing and acting. She was entered into a beauty contest by her mother and Kelly won this made her begin to take an interested in modeling. By the age of 16 she was already on covers like GQ, FHM, Cosmopolitan, Sky, Tatler, Face, and The Company. Although she was appearing all over the UK her big break came when she won a contest to become a Big Breakfast Presenter. In 2002 Brook was seen on the big screen in the movie “Sorted.” In 2001 she was in the Misadventures of Fiona Plum and released a calendar. In 2002 she appeared on Smallville for a few episodes. She was also in the Italian Job and House of 9.
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, “I must have you right now! I’ll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up, I can have my way with you from behind!”
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her friend on her cell phone and told her about the man’s proposition.
Her friend said, “When he drops the $500 on the ground, I’m sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened.”
An hour and a half later, the lady called her girlfriend back.
“What happened?” the girlfriend asked.
The lady said, “That jerk had $500 in quarters!”
Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A: The 1984 Hide-and-Seek World Champion.
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it with her all night. She kept screaming, “Fujifoo! Fugifoo!” The American thought she was screaming in pleasure.
The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said “Fujifoo!” One Japanese man looked at him confused and said, “No, you got the right hole.”
Q: What’s the best part of a blow job?
A: The 10 minutes of silence.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the teacher calls on Johnny to tell the first story.
Johnny says, “My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” says the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?”
Johnny replies, “Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
Alison Larter was born in Cherry Hill New Jersey in 1976. By age 13 she had a successful modeling career with the Ford Modeling Agency. In 1997 she had a guest spot on Chicago Sons. Which led to further guest roles on Dawson’s Creek, Just Shoot Me, and Chicago Hope? Her next role was alongside James Van Der Beek in Varsity Blues. She has since been in movies like Drives Me Crazy, House on Haunted Hill, American Outlaws, Legally Blonde, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, and in Final Destination 2. In 2006 she was offered a role on the TV series Heroes and she accepted.
Q: Why is air like sex?
A: Because it is no big deal until you’re not getting any.
Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?
A: If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.
Q: What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?
A: A dictator
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure. A young nurse arrives to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir, I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir.”
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely… “A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?”
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: ‘Cause it’s too far to walk.
Hayden Panettiere was born in Palisades New York in 1989. At 11 months old she was in a commercial for Playskool toys. By the age of four she had been in nearly 50 commercials. She also had roles on One Life to Live, Guiding Light, A Will of Their Own, Object of My Affection; she even provided the voice for the cartoons A Bugs Life and Dinosaur. One of her first more memorable roles was the role she played in Remember the Titans. Other roles include The Affair of the Necklace, Joe Somebody, Ally Mcbeal, Tiger Cruise, Dust Factory and Ice princess. In 2006 she earned the best role yet as Claire Benett on the hit TV series Heroes. What’s going on with Hayden now? She is set to be in two movies; Alpha and Omega, and Hoodwinked 2.
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home Mother of Six?'”
His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion shouts right back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four.”
A man is in a hotel lobby. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”
One Sunday morning during mass, the doors blasted open and Satan walked in.
Everyone freaked out and ran, except for one old man.
Satan was puzzled. He asked the old man, “Aren’t you afraid of me?”
The old man replied, “Why would I be? I’ve been married to your sister for 60 years.”
A man is driving home drunk. He gets pulled over by a female cop and she notices that he’s drunk so she arrests him. She starts to read him his rights: “Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law.” The man screams out, “TITS!”
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back when you throw it?
A: A stick.
Kristen Bell was born near Detroit Michigan in 1980. When she was only two years old her parents separated. Kristen’s mother began checking out modeling agencies when people continued to tell her that her daughter would look good in pictures. Before she was even 13 Kristen had an agent and was appearing in retail advertisements. Soon she began doing commercials and taking acting lessons. In High school she sang as Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. After she graduated Kristen moved to New York to attend Tisch School of Arts in New York University. 3 years later she debuted as Becky Thatcher in The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and in 2002 she appeared on Broadway in Crucible. Kristen then headed to Los Angeles where she had guest roles on Everwood, American Dreams, The Shield, and Gracie’s Choice. When Kristen landed a role on Veronica Mars she was thrust into the spotlight. Kristen became the narrator for the hit show Gossip Girl and also landed a role on the hit TV series Heroes, but her character was eventually killed off. She has also been in movies like Deep Water, The Receipt, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and the two more recent movies When in Rome and Couples Retreat.