Jokes 02-19-09

The Bike
A 13 year old boy came home all happy.
His mom asked, “What did you do at school today hunny?”
“Oh I had sex with my teacher,” he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father came home.
When the father came home the mother said distraughtly and close to tears “Go talk to your son…he had sex with his teacher today!!!”
The dad with a big grin on his face walked upstairs.
He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, “son I am so proud of you I’m going to get you that bike you have wanted.”
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asks him if he would like to ride it home and the son replied, “nah dad my bum is still sore.”

Who’s this guy?
After a long night of love making, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, “that’s me before the operation.”

A Scrote
In a check out line the other day a coupling was arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady tell the guy, “stop being a scrote.”
With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, “what’s a scrote?”
Without missing a beat the lady responded, “short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole.”

Phone Call
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The man says, “ok, give me the good news first.”
The doctor says, “the good news is, you have 24 hours to live.”
The man replies, “oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”
The doctor says, “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”

Mary: John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you’re pretty ugly.

Crazy Laws 9

In Kentucky it is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow.
In Kansas people may not screech tires while driving.
In Massachusetts candy may not contain more then 1% alcohol.
In Mississippi it is illegal to bribe an athlete to rig a tournament or game.
In Nevada benches may not be placed in the middle of the street.

New Releases February 17, 2009

Blu-ray Disc
Image via Wikipedia

New release listings for Blu-ray and Playstation 3.

Blu-ray

  • Body of Lies (Warner)
  • Capote (2005) / In Cold Blood (Two-Pack) (Sony)
  • Changeling (2008) (Universal)
  • Gandhi (Sony)
  • High School Musical 1-3 (Box Set) (Walt Disney)
  • High School Musical 3 (Walt Disney)
  • High School Musical: Remix (Walt Disney)
  • Kramer vs. Kramer (Sony)
  • The Midnight Meat Train (Lionsgate)
  • One Long Night (Vivendi Visual)
  • The Passion of the Christ (Definitive Edition) (Fox)
  • Quarantine (Sony)

Playstation 3

  • Disney Sing It: High School Musical 3: Senior Year
  • Disney Sing It: High School Musical 3: Senior Year (Includes Microphone)
  • Street Fighter IV
  • Street Fighter IV (Collector’s Edition)

Money Saving Tips 26-30

Hide your credit cards. Take your credit cards out of your wallet and keep it in a secure place. Keeping plastic in your wallet just makes it easier to use especially when you’re at a store being tempted by all the merchandise. If you use your card for emergencies then keep a small amount of cash on you. Don’t keep your credit cards on you unless you can avoid the temptation of using them.

Buy staples in bulk. We all have things we use regularly cleaning supplies or hygienic supplies. Instead of making trips every couple weeks buy them in bulk and you will cut down on your spending.

Avoid spending money to “de-stress”. Many of us use shopping as a way to feel better this is a terrible habit. Not only do you buy things you don’t need you spend way to much money. Instead take some quiet time. Go for a walk, exercise or even meditate.

Do a maintenance check on your appliances. Take the time to check your appliances. Check all hoses and vents to make sure there is no blockage. Also clean off any dust. This will save you money on your energy bill and you won’t have pay to replace your appliances as often.

Remove your credit card number from online. Now and days the internet is an easy and convenient way to shop but it can also be a death sentence if you don’t manage your money well. Delete your credit card information this way when your browsing stores online even if you are tempted to shop you can’t. The harder you make it to shop with your plastic the less likely you’ll want to.

Sexy Sunday 67

lindsay-lohan

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan was born in New York City in 1986. Her mother was a Radio City Rockette and her father was a Wall Street Trader before striking it rich in a family pasta business. She and her three younger siblings were raised in Long Island. Lindsay was the first red headed child to be signed by the Ford Modeling Agency. She was also in over 60 television commercials. At age 7 she did a Halloween skit on the Late Show with David Letterman. In 1996 she was cast for one season on the soap opera One Life to Live. In 1998 Lindsay Lohan won the role in the successful remake The Parent Trap. In 2005 she released her debut album Speak and the next year A Little More Personal. In 2003 she was cast in the movie Freaky Friday alongside Jamie lee Curtis. In 2004 she starred in Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen which proved to be disappointing however she was able to move on by starring in Mean Girls later on that year. Lindsay has had her share of problems from her father being incarcerated, going to rehab, partying and dramatic weight loss to the question of her mother Dina’s abilities as a parent.Lindsay Lohan has been romantically tied to Wilmer Valderrama, Aaron Carter, Jared Leto, and Riley Giles. Lindsay would soon give up men and started dating Samantha Ronson though their relationship has been nothing but a crazy media circus.

Yummy Deep Fried Pickles

2787394105_5e73d2770eYields: 25 pickles

Ingredients
25 dill pickle spears
egg wash (recipe follows)
Breading (recipe follows)
Oil for frying
Dressing (recipe follows)

Eggwash:
2 cups milk
2 eggs
Pinch of lemon pepper
Pinch of dill weed
Few drops pickle juice

Breading:
2 1/2 cups cornmeal
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup lemon pepper
1/2 cup dill weed
4 tsp paprika
2 tsp garlic salt
cayenne pepper to taste

Dressing:
1/2 cup butter milk
1/2 cup sour cream
3 tbsp minced parsley
2 tbsp chopped green onion
1 1/2 tbsp apple cider vinegar
2 tsp freshly ground pepper
1 tsp Dijon mustard
1/2 garlic glove minced
Mayonnaise enough to thicken mixture

Use cold dill pickle spears and wipe dry with paper towel. Coat in egg wash and then coat with breading, repeat. Place on baking sheet covered with wax paper and chill for about 30 minutes.

Heat deep fryer to 350 F. Slowly add pickle spears in batches. Cook for about 3-4 minutes or until pickles are golden brown. Remove excess oil with paper towel and serve with ranch dressing.

Roasted Rack of Lamb

roasted-lambServes 4

Ingredients:

1/2 cup bread crumbs
2 tbsp minced garlic
2 tbsp freshly chopped rosemary
1/2 salt
1/4 tsp black pepper
2 tbsp olive oil

1 rack of lamb trimmed and frenched
1/2 tsp coarse salt
1 tsp black pepper
2 tbsp olive oil
1 tbsp Dijon mustard

Directions:

Preheat your oven to 450 F. Place oven rack in centre position.

Combine next 4 ingredients in mixing bowl. Toss oil in to moisten the dry mixture.

Season your lamb with the salt and pepper. Heat oil in skillet over high heat and sear lamb for 1-2 minutes on each side. Set aside for 3 minutes and then brush lamb with mustard. Next coat lamb in bread crumb mixture. Cover the bones of lamb with foil to prevent burning.

Place the rack of lamb bone side down in heavy duty oven skillet. Roast in the preheated oven 12-18 minutes (depending on how done you want it) With a meat thermometer take a reading in the centre of the meat after 12 minutes and remove meat. Let it rest for 5-7 minutes loosely covered before carving.

Note: Make sure internal temperature is 5-10 degrees less then you like because lamb will continue to cook while it sits.

Fried Zucchini

friedzucchiniclose
Serves 4

Ingredients
Olive oil for frying
1 3/4 cups grated parmesan
1 1/2 cup panko bread crumbs
3/4 tsp salt
2 large eggs
3 medium zucchini  cut 3 x 1 inches

Directions

In a large frying pan heat about 2 inches of oil until it reaches a temperature of 350 F.

Combine parmesan, bread crumbs and salt in bowl and mix.

In another bowl gently whisk the eggs.

Take the zucchini and dip into egg mixture, let excess egg drip off transfer zucchini to bread and cheese mixture and coat evenly. Place the zucchini on a baking sheet.

When oil reaches proper temperature drop the zucchini sticks in batches and cook until golden brown (about 3 minutes). Using a slotted spoon transfer the zucchini to paper towels and let excess oil drip off. Sprinkle with extra parmesan and serve on platter.

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Top Female Erogenous Zones

For a man many of the zones are obvious, penis, testicles and anus. Many men of course want to know where they can touch a woman to drive her crazy. Keep in mind that every woman is different what some like others may dislike. Women unlike men have many different erogenous zones. So just where can you touch her?

The feet. Many women enjoy having their feet massaged and their toes sucked or licked that is assuming that they are cleaned properly. The feet are a very sensitive spot for some women and the tickling sensation can be very pleasant.

The Ears. Licking, sucking and kissing a woman’s ears can be arousing for her. You can blow in her ear but we don’t need wind speeds of a tornado. Whisper erotic things to her in her ear and the breeze from your breath will be enough to make her tingle.

Wrists. The wrists may seem like an odd place for an erogenous zone but women like to have their wrists nibbled and nuzzled. Next time you and your woman are engaging in foreplay start by caressing her wrists and watch how turned on she gets.

Nape of the neck. Breathing on her neck will give her goose bumps imagine what would happen if you nibbled gently or sucked on her neck. Guaranteed your woman will really like it if you lift her hair and gently tilt her head softly kissing and nibbling her neck.

Nipples. This probably isn’t a surprise to anyone that the breasts are erogenous zones. Gently fondling sucking or nibble will surely get her hot.

The buttocks. A lot of women actually enjoy if you gently spank or squeeze their buttocks but there are the odd few that actually enjoy having their butts licked and penetrated with a finger or your penis.

Vagina/Clitoris. Another no brainer. You can stimulate the clitoris by rubbing and sucking. Most times you can tell when she’s enjoying it because she will moan or even squirm.

The vagina has the G-spot which can be difficult to find but many women are grateful when you do. When this area is stimulated it produces an intense pleasure and an usual sensation.

The backs of the knees. There are many nerve endings in the backs of the knees so a woman can find it extremely pleasurable when you nibble or lick the backs of the knees. However be careful, the backs of the knees can get irritated if you are being to rough.

The Lips. If you know how to kiss, lick, suck and bite then you will fill her with passion and there’s a good chance you will end up doing more then just kissing.

The inner thighs. The inner thighs are very sensitive to touching, stroking, and licking so when you fondle them you will make her wild.