ICML

The International Council of Man Laws

  1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
  2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
    • When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    • The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
    • After wrecking your boss’s car.
    • When she is using her teeth.
  3. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
  4. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
  5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
  6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.
  7. In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
  8. When stumbling upon other guy watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
  9. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she’s officially your girlfriend.
  10. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.
  11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
  12. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
  13. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
  14. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
  15. Women who claim they ‘love to watch sports’ must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
  16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
  17. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
  18. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
  19. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly ‘just a friend’ have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
  20. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
  21. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, limegreen, orange or sky blue..
  22. The girl who replies to the question ‘What do you want for Christmas?’ with ‘If you loved me, you’d know what I want!’ gets an Xbox360. End of story.
  23. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics..
    Ever.
  24. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

Fast Sex

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office…but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said,
‘I’ll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you…
‘The girl looked at him, and then said, ‘NO!’

Eddie said, ‘I’ll be real fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down and I’ll finish by the time you’ve picked it up.’

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with he rboyfriend… so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, ‘Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won’t even be able to get his pants down.’

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend’s call.. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls her on her cell phone and asks what happened…?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

‘The bastard used all quarters!’

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Dysfunctional Section of Hallmark

  1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you’ve come into my life…
    (Inside card) – I’ve changed my mind.
  2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life…
    (Inside card) – I never believed in Hell until I met you.
  3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am…
    (Inside card) – That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
  4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go…
    (Inside card) – Will you take the knife from my back? You’ll probably need it again.
  5. Someday I hope to marry…
    (Inside card) – Someone other than you.
  6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age…
    (Inside card) – Almost lifelike!
  7. When we were together, you said you’d die for me…
    (Inside card) – Now we’ve broken up, I think it’s time to keep your promise.
  8. We’ve been friends for a very long time…
    (Inside card) – What do you say we stop?
  9. I’m so miserable without you…
    (Inside card) – It’s almost like you’re still here.
  10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…
    (Inside card) – Did you ever find out who the father was?
  11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…
    (Inside card) – I’d miss you terribly and think of you often.
  12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday…
    (Inside card) – So we’re having you put to sleep.
  13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in
    Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)
  14. Looking back over the years we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder…
    (Inside card) – What was I thinking?
  15. Congratulations on your wedding day!…
    (Inside card) – Too bad no one likes your husband.

Jokes 08-31-10

What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out.

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked the car. The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected, “Ouch! That ring is hurting me!” To which he replied “That’s no ring… That’s my watch!”

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. “I know you’ve been with a lot of women before. how many were there?” The husband replied, “Look, I don’t want to upset you, there were many. Let’s just leave it alone.” The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. “Let’s see.” he said “There was one, two, three four, five, six, you, eight nine…”

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her tits and an old man jerking himself off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says “What’s up with your neighbours? and the owner of the house says “Oh that’s the Robinson’s they’re both deaf. She’s telling him to go milk the cow and he’s telling her to go fuck herself!”

This guy is walking down the street, when a hooker approaches him and asks, “Say, wanna have a good time?” “Sure!” he says as they head off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes, all the whiles he’s staring at her. The hooker says, “Is this the first pussy you’ve seen since you crawled out of one?” The guy says “Nope, just the first one I’ve seen big enough to crawl back into.”

Jokes 08-24-10

An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon. After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions. They yell to a jogger, “Hey, can you tell us where we’re at?” After a few moments the jogger responds, “You’re in a hot-air balloon.” The engineer says, “You must be a mathematician.” The jogger, shocked, responds, “Yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?”
“Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless.”

Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die. Upon Jeff’s arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
“Where is my friend Mike?” Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, “Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven.”
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, “Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is ok?”
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a  sandy beach with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and also with a keg of beer.
“I don’t mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell,”
“It’s not as it appears to be,” says St. Peter. “You see, the keg has a hole in it… and the blonde doesn’t.”

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over all the students handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his tests, his test and $64 change.

A man is at the airport.
Name?
Abdul al-Rhazib
Sex?
Three to five times  a week.
No, no.. I mean male or female?
Male, female, sometimes camel
Holy Cow!
Yes, Cow, sheep, animals in general
But isn’t that hostile?
Horse style, doggy style, any style!
Oh Dear!
No, no! Deer run too fast!

Near Death Experience
A boss asked one of his employees, “do you believe in life after death?”
“Yes, sir” replied the new employee.
“I thought you would, said the boss. “Yesterday after you left to go to your brothers funeral, he stopped by to see you.”

Shame
“You should be ashamed,” the father told his son, Andy. “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk 10 miles everyday to get to school”
“Really?” Andy responded. “Well, when he was your age, he was president.”

Customer Bowled Over by Service
A car mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clanking noise when going around a corner so he took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk.
When he arrived back at the garage he returned the car to the service manager with this note: “Remove bowling ball from trunk.”

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