A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, “I must have you right now! I’ll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up, I can have my way with you from behind!”
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her friend on her cell phone and told her about the man’s proposition.
Her friend said, “When he drops the $500 on the ground, I’m sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened.”
An hour and a half later, the lady called her girlfriend back.
“What happened?” the girlfriend asked.
The lady said, “That jerk had $500 in quarters!”

Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A: The 1984 Hide-and-Seek World Champion.

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it with her all night. She kept screaming, “Fujifoo! Fugifoo!” The American thought she was screaming in pleasure.
The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said “Fujifoo!” One Japanese man looked at him confused and said, “No, you got the right hole.”

Q: What’s the best part of a blow job?
A: The 10 minutes of silence.

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the teacher calls on Johnny to tell the first story.
Johnny says, “My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” says the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?”
Johnny replies, “Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”