Three men were asked what they would want to be said about them at their funerals. The first one said, “I want someone to say I was a wonderful father.”

The second man said, “I want someone to say I was the greatest baseball player ever.”

The last man said, “I want someone to say, ‘He’s moving, he’s moving!’”

A teacher was teaching her class to use good manners.
She asks a student, “Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you needed to use the bathroom?”
He responded, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”
The teacher replied, “That would be rude and impolite! What about you John, how would you say it?”
“I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”
The teacher responded, “That’s better, but it’s still not nice to use the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, how would you show your good manners?”
Peter said with a smile, “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after dinner.”

A woman walks into a bar and sits down, she notices a man sitting a couple seats down. She watches as he takes a shot, runs to the window, jumps out, flies around the building and then sits back down.
Astounded the woman asked how he did this.
He answered, “magic shot.” She tells him to do it again to prove it.
He slams another shot and repeats his performance.
The man looks at her and says “go ahead give it a try.” The woman orders a shot, slams it, runs and jumps out the window and falls to her death.
The bartender looks over at the man and says “You know Superman, you can be a real asshole when your drunk.”

The captain of a fearsome pirate ship decides to have a talk with a rookie that is setting out for his first voyage ever.
Captain: “So, any questions?”
Rookie: “Just one. Since there are no women on the ship and we are at sea for months at a time, what do we do if we get…uh…you know…the urge?”
Captain: “See that barrel over there?”
Rookie: “Yep.”
Captain: “See the hole in the side of the barrel?”
Rookie: “Yep.”
Captain: “Well, anytime you get the urge, just use that hole in the barrel. Anytime except on Tuesdays.”
Rookie: “Why not Tuesdays?”
Captain: “That’s your day in the barrel.”

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Wanna go ride bikes?