Why do dwarfs laugh while they play soccer?
Because the grass tickles their balls.

Social Security
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for social security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked into his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “ I will have to go home and come back later.” The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, “ That silver hair on your chest is enough proof for me.” and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”

Proud Texan Father
A texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced “a typical Texas baby” weighing 20 pounds.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, “Aren’t you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth?”
“Yup, shore am!”
“How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answered, “Ten pounds.”
The bartender said, “Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds.”
The proud Texas father said, “Jest had him circumcised!”

How do you know if you’re a redneck?
You go to the family reunion to find a date.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.