A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid’s little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically.
The young man gives her a stern look and says, “You shouldn’t laugh, it’s been swollen like that for two weeks now!”
The Four Types of Sex
House Sex- When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
Bedroom Sex- After you have been married for awhile, you only have sex in the bedroom.
Hall Sex- After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “Fuck You”
Courtroom Sex- When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.
A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.
The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The Golf Pro says. “Not bad, now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife’s breast.”
The man follows the instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says “Excellent!”
Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.
Golf pro: “Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick.”
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
Golf Pro: “Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth.
Two teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.
The judge said, “That was great how did you do that?”
The boy told him, “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this, (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable.” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd boy)
“Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!”
“Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them this is your asshole before prison.”
Calling in Sick
Bob calls into his job:
Hey, boss I’m not coming to work today. I’m really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I’m not coming into work”
The boss says:
“You know Bob, I really need you today. When i feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.”
2 hours later Bob calls:
“Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I’ll be at work soon, by the way, you got a nice house.”