Q. What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.
Two newlyweds go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy, the woman says, “Please be careful with me—I’m a virgin.”
The puzzled man replies, “But you’ve been married three times before.”
“I know,” she says. “My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and he just wanted to look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was—God, I miss him.”
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” Bubba said, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.”
The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.
The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
The clerk says, “Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives.”
The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him—he’s afraid to cough!”
This guy’s father dies, so he goes to the undertaker and tells him he wants the best of everything for his father.
The man gets really sick the day of the funeral, however, and is unable to attend.
The next day, he gets a bill for $16,000. He pays it. The next month, he gets another bill for $85. He figures it’s just a little supplementary bill, so he pays that, too.
Next month, another bill for $85 arrives, so he calls up the undertaker and says, “I keep getting these bills for $85 dollars. I thought I paid for the funeral already.”
The undertaker says, “Well, you said you wanted the best for your father, so I rented him a tux.”