Jokes 01-08-09

Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, “I think I’m going to see a dietitian.”
Nina asks, “Why?”
Rosy answers, “‘Cause I need to know once and for all how many calories there are in semen.”
Nina replies, “I really have no clue, but if you’re swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you’re a little chunky.”

A middle-aged woman wakes up in the middle of the night and finds her husband at the kitchen table drinking whiskey.
She asks, “Why are you up so late at night?”
The man takes another drink and replies, “Do you remember when you were 16 and we first started dating?”
She is amazed that he is thinking of such a thing so late at night and replies, “Yes I do, dear.”
He takes another drink and continues, “Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car and he told me either I marry you or go to jail for 20 years? Well, today I would have gotten out!”

After a long day at work, a man realized it was his anniversary.
He raced to Victoria’s Secret and asked for the sheerest thing they had. He purchased the nightgown for $400 and raced home.
He ran inside and told his wife, “Go upstairs and put this on.” She went upstairs and opened her gift. She lifted the gown out and was stunned that it was transparent. She figured it would be just as good to just walk downstairs naked because her husband wouldn’t even notice, and she could return the gown for a refund in the morning.
As she walked down the stairs, the husband exclaimed, “Damn—for $400, you’d think they’d at least iron the damn thing!”

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to pick up his wife’s test results.
When he gets there, the nurse at the counter tells him that there is a small problem.
“We sent your wife’s blood in with another Mrs. Smith and the two tests results got mixed up. Now we don’t know which test is your wife’s and the results were bad and worse,” she says.
“Well, tell me the results for each test,” he replies.
“One test came back positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other came back positive for AIDS,” the nurse says. “Oh my god…what am I going to do?” Mr. Smith asks.
“Oh, don’t worry, the doctor came up with an idea,” the nurse replies reassuringly. “He said to drive your wife to the middle of town and drop her off there. If she remembers her way back home, don’t fuck her.”

A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips.”
The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, “Shit, me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”