Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.
An extremely ugly woman walks into a store with her two kids. The man at the counter asks, “Are they twins?”
The woman says, “No, he’s nine and she’s seven.” Then she says, “Why? Do you think they look alike?”
“No,” he replies. “I just can’t believe you got laid twice!”
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.” The man thought about it and told him he just would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”
The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories. One man says, “I had the worst Freudian slip the other day.”
The other man responds, “What the fuck is a Freudian slip?”
“You know,” says the first man. “It’s when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about. Like the other day I was at the airport, and this really sexy lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I asked her for ‘two pickets to Tittsburgh.”
The second replies, “Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It’s like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the orange juice, but instead I said, ‘You ruined my life, bitch!'”
Daniel turned very ill and was on his deathbed.
His wife sat at the bedside holding his hand, praying silently. He looked up and said weakly, “I have something I must confess.”
“There’s no need to,” his wife replied.
“No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother.”
“I know,” she replied. “Now just be still and let the poison work.”