1. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
  2. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  3. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
  4. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
  5. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  6. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
  7. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  8. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
  9. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  10. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
  11. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
  12. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
  13. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  14. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  15. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
  16. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
  17. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
  18. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
  19. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  20. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  21. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
  22. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  23. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
  24. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
  25. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.