Tom Tucker: Well Diane, there’s something you’re gonna have to get use to. Men running away from you.
Diane Simmons: Shut up Tom, you’re so far in the closet you’re finding Christmas presents.

Trisha Takanawa: For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth II gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, “Hey check out that flaming queen”

Lois: Kids, we just have to learn to accept this. Like one of those stories on Dateline where a family member suffers a horrible accident and becomes a burden on everybody. Sure, they pretend to be happy, but they’re dead inside, they’re dead. And that’ll be our lives.

Stewie (reading the bible): My, my. What a thumping good read! Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two-by-fours. I say, you won’t find this in Winnie the Pooh.

Quagmire: Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
Meg: No.
Quagmire: Awww right.

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