Lawyer: Peter, Sarah has decided to press charges sexual harassment charges against you.
Peter: Sarah… Is that the one we video taped taking a dump.
Quagmire: My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did gagoogidy that girl. I gashmoygadied gaflavity with my googus. And I am Sorry.
Meg: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well, that would just leave England.
Stewie: If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them?
Chris: (crying): I got hit by a baseball.
Peter: Ok, here’s another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can keep only one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That’s…that’s not a riddle. That’s…that’s just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!
Credit to www.familyguyquotes.com