Auctioneer:  Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioneer: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioneer: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.

(Joe falls out of his chair and is about to fall farther into the sewer when Lois catches him.)
Lois: I can’t hold on much longer!
Joe: Lois, pretend I’m one of your children!
(Joe starts to slip)
Joe: Not Meg!!
(Lois pulls Joe to safety)

Wilford Brimley: Hi, I’m Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee, and it causes me to be short with my family. I can’t sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe, and took it out on the dog. And Two weeks ago, I ran out of vanilla ice cream, and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife’s been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Cleveland: All he needs is another lemon snow cone.
Peter: No thanks, that yellow snow cone you gave me didn’t taste like lemon, it tasted more like… oh you guys are asses!

Chris: I don’t care what she says, I’m never going back!
Brian: Look you can’t run away from your problems Chris. That’s what I tried to do. I joined the peace corps and a day later I was two continents away.
Chris: Really?
Brian: Yep, but 6,000 miles and all the dope I could smoke still couldn’t separate me from my problems. And this was good dope. I mean it was growing everywhere. Oh my God! This one time we got so baked we ended up eating all the food at the food the World Health Organization had airlifted in. Oh man those villagers were so pissed! They tried to chase us, but lemme just say thank God for polio.

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