Dysfunctional Section of Hallmark

I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you’ve come into my life…
(Inside card) – I’ve changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought religion into my life…
(Inside card) – I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think how lucky I am…
(Inside card) – That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go…
(Inside card) – Will you take the knife from my back? You’ll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to marry…
(Inside card) – Someone other than you.
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age…
(Inside card) – Almost lifelike!
When we were together, you said you’d die for me…
(Inside card) – Now we’ve broken up, I think it’s time to keep your promise.
We’ve been friends for a very long time…
(Inside card) – What do you say we stop?
I’m so miserable without you…
(Inside card) – It’s almost like you’re still here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…
(Inside card) – Did you ever find out who the father was?
You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…
(Inside card) – I’d miss you terribly and think of you often.
Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday…
(Inside card) – So we’re having you put to sleep.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in
Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)
Looking back over the years we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder…
(Inside card) – What was I thinking?
Congratulations on your wedding day!…
(Inside card) – Too bad no one likes your husband.