How to Forgive AND Forget

We have heard the saying many times that, “It’s easier to forgive than to forget,” but the truth is that unless you are capable of forgetting you never really forgive.  Forgiveness is the act of excusing someone for their offense but unless you are also willing to forget their transgression you aren’t truly forgiving them.  Refusing to forget a wrong action against you results in a lingering grudge between you and the other person.  Although you may have told them that you have forgiven them, the memory of their actions remains with you and creates a prejudice towards them that results in a lack of trust in the future.  True forgiveness involves both forgiving and forgetting and this can be achieved by understanding your own feelings as well as those of the person who wronged you, expressing your feelings in a rational matter, realizing that your relationship is more important than being right and finally accepting your partner’s apology.

You may have been wronged in a situation and your feelings of anger may be completely justified but it’s important to truly understand your feelings in order to forgive and forget.  It is imperative that you realize that the actions of the other person may have hurt you or made you angry but that reacting in a hostile manner as a result of these feelings is not beneficial to your relationship.  While your feelings of hurt of anger may be justified, taking the time to work through these emotions before offering forgiveness will help you to forget your partner’s words or actions.  If you rush to offer forgiveness before you have had the opportunity to vent your own frustrations it will be difficult for you to forget your partner’s wrongdoing.  You also need to understand the feelings of the person who offended you.  It is also important to speak to your partner about why they committed the offense against you.  It is not fair to them to make assumptions about why they acted the way they did.  Giving them the chance to express their side of the situation will give you a better understand of why they acted the way they did.  You may learn that everything was a misunderstanding or that you were not hurt intentionally.  Allowing the other person a chance to offer their take on the situation will enable you to see their motives.  Understanding your own emotions as well as your partner’s will help you to really forgive and forget.

Dealing with your own emotions in a calm and rational manner is also crucial to forgiving and forgetting.  Your partner may be wrong and you may be completely justified in your feelings of anger but it’s important that you not act strictly on emotion in this situation.  Acting and speaking out of anger can elevate the tension in the situation and deter the forgiveness process.  Give yourself a little time to manage your own feelings and collect your thoughts so that when you approach your partner you are able to speak about your feelings in a rational manner.  It’s best to wait until both you and your partner are ready to speak about the conflict in a calm and rational manner.  If you are truly interested in forgiving and forgetting when you have been wronged, wait until both parties have calmed down to ensure that neither one speaks out of anger and destroys the chance for true forgiveness.

A crucial aspect of forgiving and forgetting is valuing your relationship more than you value being right in an argument.  While you may be completely right in a situation, being right is not worth destroying the relationship over.  If you are able to put your love for your partner ahead of the vindication of being right you will be more willing to forgive and forget.  Also, forgiving and forgetting will allow your relationship to continue to flourish because working through conflicts makes a relationship stronger.

Finally you can never really forgive and forget unless you are truly willing to accept your partner’s apology.  Harboring feelings that the apology isn’t genuine will damage the relationship because you will never forget their offending action.  Listen sincerely to your partner’s apology and have faith in them that there apology is heartfelt and genuine.  Then let them know that you accept their apology and are willing to not let this situation interfere with your future interactions.

True forgiveness involves not only excusing the transgression but also effectively forgetting it as well.  You can not truly forgive someone if you don’t also agree to forget the offense.  Refusing to forget indicates a lack of trust in your partner to not repeat the offense.  While deciding to forgive and forget is a personal matter a few suggestions for doing so are to understand your feelings as well as the feelings of your partner, taking the time to rationalize your emotions before you act on them, valuing your relationship enough to truly forgive and accepting  your partner’s apology with an open heart.

Protect Your Heart and Live to 100 Tips 81-90

81. Add Vitamin E: Vitamin E combined with blood thinners can reduce the plaque in your arteries by up to 80%.

82. Beat the heat with cold grapes: Eating cold grapes can provide you with artery protection similar to when you drink a glass of wine.

83. Ditch fad diets: When your weight fluctuates it weakens your heart and and affects your blood flow.

84. Make friends at work: Men with lots of friends have lower heart rates and had healthier blood pressure even in times of stress.

85. Cheaters never prosper: Having extramarital sex increases your risk of a fatal heart attack. 75% of cases of death during sex involved a cheating spouse.

86. Use the free BP test wisely: These test aren’t 100% accurate. On average the machines can be off by up to 8 points systolic and 4 points diastolic. Check your blood pressure at least 3 times and then average it.

87. Eat fresh berries: Berries are loaded with salicyclic the same heart disease fighter is found in aspirin.

88. Tune out stress: Listen to music in the morning or do something that isn’t stressful to reduce your chance of a morning coronary.

89. Root for your home team: A study done found that heart attack rates fell among locals when the home team one.

90. Stop Snoring: Those who suffer from sleep apnea usually suffer from high blood pressure.

How to Fight Fairly

In any relationship worth having conflict is bound to arise.  The true test of the relationship is whether or not you feel that it is worthwhile to resolve these conflicts and if you are able to do so in a fair and objective way.  Key elements to fighting fairly include sticking to the issue at hand, being open to listening to the other person, not involving others in the fight, not bringing up old issues and finally being willing to accept responsibility and let it go when the fight is over.

It’s important to know what you are fighting over and to stick to that issue in the argument.  If you allow things to build up over time and then explode with many grievances at once neither you nor the person you are fighting with will have a clear understanding of what the issue is or why you are fighting.  It is important to address each issue as they arise to alleviate resentment and fighting that does not have a clear focus.  Sticking to one specific issue in a fight is the fair way to fight and it’s also the most successful way to fight.  If both parties involved have a clear understanding of why they are fighting you are much more likely to reach a mutually amicable resolution.

Listening is a very important component of fighting fairly.  It is imperative to allow the other person to offer their side of the argument.  Fighting without listening will not be effective because it does not allow you to be open to the other person’s opinions and justifications.  The other person may have a very valid reason for their actions but if you are only interested in what you have to say and are unwilling to listen you will not hear their point of view.  Another aspect of listening is to really understand what the other person is saying.  It’s very easy to not hear the intent of a person’s message.  In a fight you want to actively clarify the other person’s statements and give them the opportunity to affirm or negate your interpretation of their argument.  Listening attentively and understanding the other person’s argument is a very effective and fair way to fight.

Bringing others into a fight is not a fair way to fight.  It is important that the fight take place between those directly involved and that neither party elicits the help of friends or family members to validate their position.  It doesn’t matter how many other people agree with you, that does not necessarily make you right, so don’t involve others in your fight.  This is not only not fair to your partner but it is also not fair to those who are dragged into the argument.  While you may have many people who agree with you and believe you are right, bringing them into the fight just isn’t fair and also isn’t effective.

In a fair fight it is also important to not bring up old issues.  A fair fight will remain focused and bringing up the past distracts from the current issues and also sends the message that the past has not been forgotten.  If you partner feels that you are bringing up old issues, he may begin to feel as if the current fight is not worth fighting because it will not be forgotten.  If you convey the message that you are not willing to forgive and forget you are not fighting fairly because your partner will feel as though the argument is no longer worthwhile.  Also, bringing up old issues is not fair because they are not relevant to the current fight.  A fair fight is clearly focused on a current conflict without dredging up old issues.

Another key tactic for fighting fairly is to be willing to accept responsibilities for your own actions and be willing to reach a resolution and move on from the argument.  Those who fight fairly are prepared to concede the fact that they may lose the argument.  Losing the argument means either that you admit that you were solely to blame in the situation or that you are unable to convince the other person of your argument.  What is important in a fair fight is not who is right or who is wrong but that the couple is able to reach an amicable agreement and that they are both able to progress and leave the fight in the past.

Fighting fairly is crucial in a healthy relationship.  Disagreements are natural and resolving them in a fair way is imperative to a thriving relationship.  Not fighting fairly is indicative of a relationship that is not healthy.  A fair fight however incorporates the key elements of focus, listening and resolution without involving third parties in the fight.  A fair fight is also left in the past after resolution.  Fair fighting leads to resolution in most cases.

Become More Healthy Tips 81-90

81. Put a sign on your fridge and cupboard: “Closed after dinner.”

82. Brush your teeth after meals to remind yourself: No more food. Not only will it lessen your urge to eat you’ll have nice looking teeth.

83. When you eat, eat. Don’t read or play at the computer. Focus all your attention on your food.

84. It isn’t the time of day that makes you gain weight 100 calories at 10 in the morning is the same as 100 calories at 10 at night. It’s how many calories in total you eat that determines whether you gain or lose weight.

85. Remember that just because it says fat free it may not be good for you. Compare nutritional information and make informed dieting choices.

86. Never skip breakfast. It will slow your metabolism and leave you feeling cranky throughout the day. You’ll more then likely binge later because you’re hungry.

87. If you are absolutely starving and have no choice but to turn to a vending machine pick the nuts.

88. If you are feeling tired in the afternoon skip the cup of coffee and reach for a cup of yogurt. The yogurt will give you a sense of fullness and give you vitamins and minerals coffee can’t.

89. Change up your pantry. If you use peanut oil switch to olive oil. If you eat white bread switch to whole wheat etc.

90. You may be surprised but some frozen vegetables have more nutritional value then fresh ones. Frozen vegetables also last longer.

Protect Your Heart and Live to 100 Tips 71-80

71. Know what’s in your arteries: Get your doctor to perform a C-reactive protein blood test. This will help them determine your heart disease risk.

72. Sleep in the quiet: People who don’t have a quiet sleep and are exposed to at least 55 decibels of sound like a washing machine or coffee percolator suffer from high blood pressure.

73. Use a stair climber: Exercising on a stair climber for 45 minutes a week 4 times a week can improve your sensitivity to insulin.

74. Eat apples: Eating apples often can reduce your risk of heart disease by 20%.

75. Eat fish: Eating fish twice a week or taking a supplement can lower your blood pressure and clear plaque from your arteries.

76. Push Yourself: Men who feel like they are working out vigorously have a 28% less likely to develop heart disease then men who felt like they weren’t working hard enough.

77. Switch your spread: Buy fat free margarine. When compared to butter it can lower bad cholesterol levels by 11%.

78. Slice your risk: Enjoy whole wheat bread its packed with nutrients and can lower cholesterol.

79. Eat concord grapes: Compounds found within this type of grape help to slow bad cholesterol levels. You can lower your blood pressure points by 6 percents by enjoying 12 ounces of juice.

80. Close car windows:  Men who are exposed to airborne chemicals have a harder time letting their hearts adjust to different activities.

Become More Healthy Tips 71-80

71. If you family decides they need to have a sweet treat compromise with them. Serve low fat ice cream with some fruit. Or fruit with a dollop of whipped cream.

72. If you have a craving for sweet or salty foods try to go 2 weeks without eating it. You’ll be surprised at how your cravings will disappear.

73. Eat more fruit. This helps people who have sweet tooth’s keep their cravings under control.

74. You can eat sweets but be smart. Keep your treat under 150 calories. There are a lot of ice creams out there that have snack pack sizes that are between 50-150 calories.

75. If you want some healthy sweets try eating a few frozen grapes, some sugar free cocoa made with skim milk, fruit or homemade popsicles.

76. To avoid binging later at night eat balanced meals throughout the day and don’t skip meals.

77. Eat all your meals at the table away from distractions.

78. Drink unsweetened cold raspberry tea.

79. If you are prone to overeating at night change up your schedule. Find a hobby that you can do or something to keep you occupied so you won’t overeat.

80. If you eat because of emotions you need to focus and find out what it is that is really bugging you. Then you will be able to focus on changing it instead of turning to food for comfort.

Protect Your Heart and Live to 100 Tips 61-70

61. Have Sex: Men who have sex at least twice a week lower the risk of stroke. Having sex may also lower your risk of heart disease.

62. Take Monday Off: Taking a few days off of work every now and then can reduce heart attack and stroke risk by up to 30 %.

63. Enjoy some oatmeal cookies: Men suffering from high cholesterol who consumed oatmeal cookies everyday for 8 weeks dropped bad LDL cholesterol levels by over 20%.

64. Pull it: 65% of men by the age of 20 have at least one misaligned wisdom tooth which would never come in properly. By leaving the tooth in you run the risk of getting a bacterial infection. You may even develop Periodontal disease which is linked to heart disease.

65. Toss olive oil in your salad: Diets that include at least 2 ounces of olive oil can reduce the risk of fatal heart attacks by 82%. Rich in monounsaturated fats olive oil can lower LDL levels.

66. Get your BP under 120/80: Stay below this number and you cut the risk of dying of heart disease in half.

67. Consume potassium: Eat a banana or bake a sweet potato with spinach to get potassium. Getting your daily level of potassium you reduce your risk of high blood pressure.

68. Eat fiber: Taking a fibre supplement like Metamucil before meals can slow the digestion of sweets and high processed starches. These foods are bad for your blood sugar and can increase heart disease risks.

69. Lower your BMI: Having a BMI over 25 can increase your heart disease risk by 26%.

70. Pick French wine instead of German: French wines contain 4 times more artery protecting enzymes.

Become More Healthy Tips 61-70

61. If you have a holiday party to go to eat before going. Fill up on some fruits and veggies. Don’t allow yourself to go to the party when your hungry or you will be sure to set yourself up for a binge.

62. When you are at a party don’t stand near the food or alcohol. If you don’t see it and aren’t near it you won’t be as tempted to eat it.

63. If you find yourself at a buffet don’t eat a little bit of everything. Pick 3 or 4 items making sure only one of them is high in calories. Eat your high calorie item last so you can fill up on the healthier food and avoid overeating.

64. During the holidays don’t let yourself wear loose fitting clothing. You want to wear clothes that are snug that way you have no room for expansion.

65. Instead of keeping all the leftovers give them away to your guests. If you keep them in the house you will be sure to overeat.

66. Walk around the mall 3 times before you start shopping to get in extra exercise.

67. Make exercise a nonnegotiable priority.

68. When you are at home dance around to music either by yourself or with friends or family. It’s a fun way to get some exercise in.

69. If you are having a sweet tooth moment eat a healthy salad for dinner and save your calories to indulge into a dessert.

70. If you know you have the temptation to eat sweets make sure you don’t keep any in the house unless you know for certain you can enjoy some sweets without going overboard.

Protect Your Heart and Live to 100 Tips 51-60

51. Get yourself a dog: The attention given to a dog whether good or bad allows your heart to become adaptable helping you to deal with stress which could lead to heart disease.

52. Stay warm: Cold spells can decrease the temperature by 18 degrees from one day to another can increase the heart attack risk by 13 percent.

53. Eat frequently: Men who eat 5-6 times a day have 5 percent lower cholesterol then men who eat one to two large meals. Eating 5-6 times a day can reduce your risk of heart disease by 10-20%.

54. Lift weights: A Harvard study found that lifting weights for just 30 minutes a week can reduce your risk of heart disease by 23%.

55. Stop after 2 cups of coffee: People who drink four cups of coffee had an 11% higher level of homocysteine in their blood.

56. Check for carbon monoxide: Regular household items can leak carbon monoxide. Large levels can kill you but exposure in small amounts can increase your risk of developing blood clots and increase your risk of heart disease.

57. Brush and rinse: Brush with Colgate and rinse with Listerine doing so can decrease your risk of heart attack by 200-300 %.

58. Snack on nuts: Men who replaced 127 carbohydrate calories with nuts decreased their risk of heart disease by 30%.

59. Sleep for 8 hours: People who get less then 5 hours of sleep on a regular basis have a greater risk of heart disease then those who get the full 8 hours. One possibility is that people who are tired have higher levels then fibrinogen a protein which can clot your blood.

60. Avoid the french fries: Intake of fatty acids lower your good cholesterol while raising the level of your bad cholesterol. Some of the worst foods are french fries.

Is it Cheating? Internet Flirtations, Affairs and Love Connections

Doug was engaged to be married in two weeks.  He was sitting at his fiancés computer, looking to find addresses to send early thank you notes when it happened.  Doug “accidentally opened” the email that changed everything in an instant. “Joe, thanks for sending me those pics last night.  They were even sexier then the ones you sent before.  I’m sure I’ll be thinking about you and those pictures tonight as I drift off to sleep with a smile on my face..  I’ll call you tomorrow after work on my drive home.”

Stunned, sickened and panicked, Doug confronted Amy over the phone while she was at work.  She was home in fifteen minutes and in a marathon fight that last until midnight Amy denied having an affair.  She said she’d met Joe online in a chat forum and had never even met him in person.  She wasn’t even sure Joe was his real name.  Amy explained the stress associated with the upcoming wedding was killing her and she was just mindlessly browsing the web when she stumbled into this chat with her new online “friend”.  At first they talked about day to day stuff, even the wedding plans.  But after a couple of weeks it turned flirtatious, and after a couple more, sexual.  She urged Doug to read the emails so he would believe her.  As painful as it was to read the sexually charged correspondence, Doug read far enough to believe they’d never met.  However, although they decided not to call off the wedding, Doug moved into the spare room.  Too humiliated to face it he told no one!  Fifteen days later he stood at the alter, all smiles.  Fast forward nine months to today.  Amy and Doug are in couples counseling.  The outlook is shaky at best.

This leads us to the question that is facing more of today’s couples than can possibly be estimated.  Is an internet fling or flirting cheating??  My answer is simple, that answer is totally up to you.  If you find out your mate has been heating up the internet with another man and it bothers you, which I’m fairly sure it will, then yes, without a doubt, that’s cheating.  The idea of “finding out” itself, indicates that there was hiding of the truth involved in the first place.  If your woman knew you wouldn’t dig it, so she hid it in the first place, then even she knew it was cheating – no matter what she says about how innocent it was.  If you are one of the very small minority of men out there that would not be bothered by this behavior, who would shrug it off, then you wouldn’t be asking this question in the first place.

Cheating used to be very black and white.  However these days a lot of men would like to think the internet has created a million shades of grey.  I beg to differ.  I think cheating is still black and white.  I think it’s fairly easy to define as a behavior that creates feelings of emotional or sexual betrayal.  I think men and women know when they are cheating, almost always confirmed by their hiding the behavior in question.  Now, I know, women do bad things too.  However, statistically men are much more likely to engage in “internet affairs”.  Not to mention many real world physical affairs start online and men who engage in questionable online behavior are vastly more likely to have a “real” affair.

So, in the end, only you know the answer.  Is it cheating?  Ask yourself one thing, “does it feel OK to me?”  If the answer to that question is no, then your answer is, yes, she is cheating.  Don’t cut her any slack on interpretation of the rules.  Trust me, in her heart of hearts, she knows it’s cheating too.