Men vs. Women

Why is it that God has seen fit to make women and men so different? Besides the obvious differences, genitalia, femininity, child bearing and menstrual cycles, there are a thousand diametrical contradictions between us. It’s because of his sense of humor, that’s why. He had just finished building the earth, heavens and eternity and when Sunday rolled around it was Miller time or something. He made Adam, borrowed a rib and then came Eve. THAT is where things got messed up right there. I bet the first thing Adam had to do was take out the trash, sore ribs and all. She didn’t care that God hadn’t created light yet. She was perfectly happy bitchin’ in the dark.

I’ve heard it said a million times that men will never understand women. I beg to differ. We DO understand women, we just don’t frickin believe it that’s all. Argue, argue, argue, bitch, bitch, bitch. Man. All the time. They say never go to bed mad at each other. Really? What does that even mean? Stay up and fight? Women know stuff that men don’t and it’s not fair. They have long memories too. Why is it that in the midst of a heated argument, they will bring up something that happened five years ago that has nothing to do with what we’re arguing about? Nothing. In shock, we stand there with that dumbfounded, deer in the headlights look trying to figure out what just happened. It changed the whole topic. And while we’re standing there in total disbelief trying to figure out what just happened, they are so far along in their wailing we have no choice but to give up and lose. It’s at this juncture we know it’s over and anything said past this point is the start of a brand new argument.

My wife not only knows every single birthday and anniversary in her family, but mine too! I don’t care who you are, this is contrary to the ordinary course of nature. Borderline savant. She’s damn hard to argue with I’ll tell you that. Sometimes I feel like we, as men, don’t have much of a chance. And boy do they love their children. I’m not saying men don’t, we do, just not like they do. Women know every little detail about them. Birthdays, allergies, likes, dislikes, boyfriends and how to buy school supplies. They know shoe sizes, how big they are in the waist, what their favorite colors are. Men are vaguely aware of some little people living in the house. In all fairness, and I’ve always said, if it weren’t for women there would be, like 6 people on the planet. Yeah we’re different. I guess it’s better that way somehow. I just wish the footing was a little more even that’s all.
As it is, women will always sit and listen to a ten year old for an hour talk about how he almost caught a fly ball, and be just as proud of them as they can be. But men? We’ll always want to knock a fart out of him for making an error in left field.

A Day in Sam’s Life…

So I went to the pharmacy to pick up some Super Spike styling gel. I was milling around the back of the store pondering over the vast assortment of hair styling products. All of a sudden a blonde cashier from the front raced past me and alerted another staffer that a woman was trying to make off with some stolen goods. One of the pharmacist’s, another blonde, slightly older, left her station and followed the action toward the front of the store. My curiosity, like always, was rampant and the Super Spike could wait. I assumed a stealth mode and followed behind them.

The thief, a medium sized woman, knew the jig was up. She was shuffling down the aisle in quick small steps. An obvious attempt to dodge her pursuers. The posse now included a balding store manager and two apprehensive blonde clerks. Watching from behind the Max Factor display, I noticed the alleged thief wore no brassiere or shoes. She was dressed in a skimpy light brown top and black stretch pants. She did have on socks, and her breasts were swaying uncontrollably. I immediately felt sorry for her. I was trying desperately to telepathically inform her to drop the stuff, they can’t get you if it’s still in the store. It was like, an automobile accident unfolding in front of you and instinctively you slam on your brakes as if to save them. And like I was in a combat zone trying not to get shot, I found myself creeping from the Max Factor display to between the Revlon and the sunglass case.

With cat like instincts I watched. I was now in the perfect position to observe. A heavy vapor of body odor hit me like an invisible fog. It was so intense that it actually overpowered the Obsession sitting on the shelf beside me. The thief had moments before scrambled down this aisle and I had mistakingly stumbled into her wake. She could have been anywhere from thirty to fifty. Cinching the noose, they stopped her at the door just short of the Duracell batteries. The store manager, accompanied by his two clerks, good-naturedly attempted to gain her confidence. I could make out only parts of the conversation. She looked straight ahead, avoiding eye contact with everyone. She had an unnatural high-pitched tone. The kind that makes you want to clear your throat. I felt sorry for her even more. Embarrassed for her.

The store manager evidently felt her to be harmless enough, he was talking to her in sympathetic, almost caring tones. Although his physical appearance left a little to be desired, I admired his tact and sensitivity. For a moment I thought he was reaching her. I could hear her voice shifting from the high-pitched tone to something resembling adult speech. The two of them disappeared around the corner of another aisle. Damn. I had to find different cover. As I was making my move, the manager made a strategic blunder. He moved around her in an attempt to lead her down the aisle she had came from. This left a huge opening in the snare. She seized her opportunity for freedom. Just as an oblivious customer was coming in, and the automatic door opened, she bolted out, startling everyone. She was clutching some small object in her hand.

She bounded across the parking lot crossing the busy street. The balding store manager and his blonde assistants made a feeble attempt to chase her, but decided that whatever it was she had done wasn’t worth the effort. The madwoman was running though one of the widest and busiest streets in the area, and we all watched in horror as she charged blindly across it. I expected to see a flattened carcass at any moment. Flashes of Eyewitness news crews and Life Flight raced through my mind. I could see myself explaining the whole torrid story bravely to a beautiful brunette roving reporter, sadly grimacing while nodding my head from side to side. But, she survived. Turns out she could run remarkably well for an overweight madwoman. She sprinted through the Block Buster parking lot, maneuvered a corner like Mario Andretti and vanished from sight. Carl Lewis couldn’t have caught her. I returned to the Super Spike, slightly shaking, and resumed my original quest. As I paid for the gel, I chatted with the young blonde who had now returned to her station shakily. I asked what the woman had stolen. Turns out, she had taken nothing. The small object she was clutching in her hand was a pack of gum the store manager had given her in return for surrendering the stolen goods. And what was it that she had attempted to steal in the first place? Deodorant, the girl told me. It now all made perfect sense.

Growing Old…

At 59, I think I’ve noticed that deterioration has not only become foreseeable but inevitable. I feel like one of those public statues that attract pigeons. I’ve crossed the half-century mark, and already sense the whoosh of angel wings around my shoulders. I find it shocking, and scary, that I’m now closer to eighty than twenty, closer to ninety than ten. I swear it was only yesterday that I was throwing baseballs over our house and screaming “Annie Over”. Now I have little hairs sprouting from various parts of my nose and ears. The barber’s scissors have become a nuisance in only reminding me of the march of time.

My ten-year-old inner self still grimaces at the reading glasses that lay on virtually every table at my house. The flecks of white in the eyebrows and beard, the wrinkles that seem to grow everyday. As an analogy, I think life is a lot like a toaster. You go in soft, pliable, and out pops a dried up old person. I guess that beats not popping out at all. Over the coming years I can look forward to liver spots, failing memory, calcified arteries, digestive miseries, prostate and bladder complaints, faulty hearing, sadistic joints and those damn free radicals overtaking every cell in my body. I’ve already shrunk half an inch from my once proud six-foot three inch stature. It doesn’t seem possible that I’ve already outlived most of my friends and some of my family, considering all that I’ve done. Hell, if I were to keel over tomorrow I’d be less famous than a Chia Pet. That’s a sad piece of information right there.

It’s already too late for me to become an astronaut or a nuclear physicist or maybe a writer. And as proof of that fact, I just gave up on finding three synonyms for “detestable.” What’s even more troubling than the relentless march of time is its damnable tendency to accelerate as we age. When I was a child of six, one year was an entire universe of discovery and jubilation, a vast arena in which every experience tasted like a new ice cream flavor. Peach today, Rocky Road tomorrow. A year represented a massive chunk of my child life. But now, being a man of age, a year encompasses a mere two percent of the territory, a barely perceptible blip on the scale of a life time. Days become weeks, weeks become months, months become years. I’m thinking of all the time I’ve spent checking e-mail, brushing my teeth, driving, nodding off during business meetings, or reading the sports section for the thousandth time. Add up all those forgettable moments and it’s no wonder I misplace car keys, forget to water the garden or wash the damn truck. Hell, sometimes I misplace an entire decade.

Although, I’m not without weapons in the war against time. None of us are. I mean, if you think about it. I snatch victories when and where I can by creating moments, like walking in the rain, fishing on a beautiful lake in the evening or appreciating how the sun looks as it too, disappears over the horizon. But even those memories recede eventually. I try and fill my life with the love of family and friends. But even my favorite people tend to mutate over time. Sometimes into odd and unrecognizable people. I have convinced myself that I’m growing in wisdom, even though I’m losing mental dexterity along with precious I.Q. points seemingly everyday. I argue that time and gravity are the same. Both pulls us into a steeper and faster descent, we narrow our focus to the path ahead, dodging the occasional obstructions, hitting one every now and then. They seem to just poke up from no where. In the descent, you begin to spot the bodies of the luckless ones who crashed or spun out of control, former people you’ve known who came to grief in their own descent. We pass them, we pass everything in a blur as we accelerate, thinking we’re still in control, but no one ever survives that sudden stop. It’s like jumping from a 50 story building. Down around the 25th floor or so, you’re thinking, well, so far so good. Cause of death? Stop trauma. We then close our eyes and enter the next realm of possibility.

New Releases July 7, 2009

New release listings for Blu-ray and Playstation 3.

Blu-ray

  • The Deep (Sony)
  • Grumpy Old Men (Warner)
  • Knowing (Summit)
  • Push (Summit)
  • Torchwood: The Complete Second Season (BBC)
  • The Unborn (Universal)
  • The Universe: The Complete Season Two (A&E)

Playstation 3

  • The Biggs 2
  • Battlefield 1943

New Releases June 23, 2009

Blu-ray Disc
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New release listings for Blu-ray and Playstation 3.

Blu-ray

  • The Code (First Look)
  • Confessions of a Shopaholic (Walt Disney)
  • Dragon Hunters (Peace Arch)
  • Inkheart (Warner)
  • Last Year at Marienbad (Criterion Collection)
  • Mr. Troop Mom (Warner)
  • Origin: Spirits of the Past (FUNimation)
  • The Pink Panther 2 (MGM)
  • Sky Blue (Tartan)
  • Waltz with Bashir (Sony)

Playstation 3

  • Overlord II
  • Dynasty Warriors 6: Empires
  • Transfomers: RotF
  • Fight Night Round 4

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New Releases June 16, 2009

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New release listings for Blu-ray and Playstation 3.

Blu-ray

  • Burn Notice: Season Two (Fox)
  • The Cell 2 (Warner)
  • The Diary of Anne Frank (1959) (Fox)
  • Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (Sony)
  • Fracture (New Line)
  • Friday the 13th (2009) (Warner)
  • Friday the 13th Part 2 (Paramount)
  • Friday the 13th Part 3 (in 3-D) (Paramount)
  • Garfield’s Pet Force (Fox)
  • Generation Kill (HBO)
  • Ghostbusters (Sony)
  • The Greatest Game Ever Played (Walt Disney)
  • John Adams (HBO)
  • Kickboxer (Lionsgate)
  • Lost: The Complete First Season (Walt Disney)
  • Lost: The Complete Second Season – The Extended Experience (Walt Disney)
  • Miracle (Walt Disney)
  • Morning Light (Walt Disney)
  • Nature’s Most Amazing Events (BBC)
  • No Way Back (Sony)
  • Rockers (Mvd Visual)
  • Rolling Stones: Biggest Bang (Universal Music)
  • The Seventh Seal (Criterion Collection)
  • Spaceballs (MGM)
  • Striking Distance (Sony)
  • Sword of the Stranger (Bandai)

Playstation 3

  • Ghostbusters: The Video Game
  • Guitar Hero Smash Hits

Continue reading “New Releases June 16, 2009”

New Releases June 9, 2009

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Image from Wikipedia

New release listings for Blu-ray and Playstation 3.

Blu-ray

  • Baby on Board (E1)
  • Fatal Attraction (Paramount)
  • Fired Up! (Unrated) (Sony)
  • Gran Torino (Warner)
  • Indecent Proposal (Paramount)
  • The International (Sony)
  • Powder Blue (Image)
  • Predator 2 (Fox)
  • The Siege (Fox)
  • Time Warp (Discovery Channel)
  • Woodstock: 3 Days of Peace & Music (Warner)

Playstation 3

  • Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10
  • Prototype
  • Virtua Tennis 2009

Continue reading “New Releases June 9, 2009”

New Releases June 2, 2009

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Image from Wikipedia

New release listings for Blu-ray and Playstation 3.

Blu-ray

  • Air Force One (Sony)
  • Anaconda (Sony)
  • B.B. King: Live at Montreux 1993 (Eagle Rock)
  • Bruce Almighty (Universal)
  • Dark Blue (MGM)
  • Defiance (Paramount)
  • Direct Contact (First Look)
  • Dragon’s Lair II: Time Warp (Digital Leisure)
  • Elsewhere (E1)
  • Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Complete (Sony)
  • Fletch (Universal)
  • Glory (Sony)
  • The Graduate (MGM)
  • He’s Just Not That Into You (Warner Brothers)
  • Inside Man (Universal)
  • Navy Seals (MGM/UA)
  • Neil Young: Archives Volume One – (1963-!972) (Warner Music Group)
  • NFL Road to the Super Bowl XLIII (Warner)
  • Paul Simon and Friends (Summit)
  • Revolutionary Road (Paramount)
  • Road House (MGM/UA)
  • Rollerball (2002) (MGM/UA)
  • Spring Breakdown (Warner Brothers)
  • To Live and Die in L.A. (MGM)
  • Walking Tall (2004) (MGM)
  • Weeds: Season Four (Lionsgate)

Playstation 3

  • Fuel
  • Red Faction: Guerrilla
  • irtua Tennis 2009

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New Releases May 26, 2009

Blu-ray Disc
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New release listings for Blu-ray and Playstation 3.

Blu-ray

  • America’s Greatest Monuments: Washington D.C. (Smithsonian Networks)
  • Children of Men (Universal)
  • Cinderella Man (Universal)
  • Diana Krall: Live in Rio (Eagle Vision)
  • Falling Down (Warner)
  • Field of Dreams (Universal)
  • Iron Maiden: Flight 666 (Universal Music Group)
  • New in Town (Lionsgate)
  • Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (Warner)
  • Seabiscuit (Universal)
  • Shamo (Tai Seng)
  • The Sky Crawlers (Sony)
  • True Romance

Playstation 3

  • Cross Edge
  • Damnation
  • Infamous
  • Up

Continue reading “New Releases May 26, 2009”

New Releases May 19, 2009

Blu-ray Disc
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New release listings for Blu-ray and Playstation 3.

Blu-ray

  • 24: Season 7 (Fox)
  • Batman (1989) (Warner)
  • A Bug’s Life (Walt Disney)
  • Changing Lanes (Paramount)
  • Circle of Iron (Blue Underground)
  • Dr. Doolittle: Million Dollar Mutts (Fox)
  • Dragon Ball Z: Fusion Reborn/Wrath of the Dragon (FUNimation)
  • Driven to Kill (Fox)
  • Eden Log (Magnolia)
  • Enemy at the Gates (Paramount)
  • It Could Happen to You (Sony)
  • Lions for Lambs (MGM)
  • The Machinist (Paramount)
  • My Bloody Valentine 3-D (Lionsgate)
  • Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Sony)
  • Paycheck (Paramount)
  • Sisterhood (Cinevolve)
  • Spy Game (Universal)
  • Terminator 2: Complete Collector’s Set (Lionsgate)
  • Terminator 2: Judgment Day – Skynet Edition (Lionsgate)
  • Three Days of the Condor (Paramount)
  • True Blood: The Complete First Season (HBO)
  • Valkyrie (MGM)
  • WWE: Wrestlemania 25th Anniversary (WWE)

Playstation 3

  • Bionic Commando
  • Rock Band Track Pack: Classic Rock
  • Terminator Salvation
  • UFC 2009 Undisputed

Continue reading “New Releases May 19, 2009”