MaleWail » Jokes and Humor

24 Greatest Proverbs

Dave — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 17:01:40 +0000

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, “What the heck happened?”

22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

The Man Rules

Dave — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 14:16:13 +0000

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys’ side of the story
( I must admit, it’s pretty good)

We always hear

‘THE RULES’
From the female side

Now here are the rules from the male side

These are our rules!

Please note… they are all numbered ‘1′ ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail, and witchcraft.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1.. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. ; We have NOidea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really!

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Family Guy Quotes 13

Dave — Thu, 28 May 2009 16:01:01 +0000

Chris (talking to Peter): You’re just running away from your troubles by being here!
Peter: What are you talking about? Meg’s right here.

Lois: I’ve seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie forty-seven times. Have you seen the lips on that woman? Like a baboons ass on her face.

Lois: Nurse this woman is in labour!
Mayor Adam West: Excuse me, I was here first… My leg is asleep!!!

Chris (when Peter goes to attack Hugh Grant on the movie screen): Don’t do it dad! He’s bigger than you.

Chris: So…ah..What are you wearing? Ha ha ha ha ha Wow! I bet you could see right through that.
Lois: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris: Grandma.

Simpsons Quotes 5

Dave — Wed, 27 May 2009 16:01:01 +0000

Homer (looking at a globe map…country being Uruguay): Hee hee! Look at this country! “You are gay.”

Homer: There’s your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph: I’m a boy.
Homer: That’s the spirit. Never give up.

Bart Simpson (spelling “Impervious” in a spelling B): I…M…P
Nelson: Bart is pee!
Ralph: I made Bart in my pants!

Grandpa: That doll is EVIL, I tells ya. Evil! Eeeeviilll!!
Marge: Grandpa, you say that about all the presents.
Grandpa: I just want attention.

Apu: Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding, I work, I work.

Family Guy Quotes 12

Dave — Thu, 21 May 2009 16:01:06 +0000

(Peter and Brian are setting up a crib for the expected baby.)
Brian: Insert Rod A into Rod Support B.
Peter: That’s what she–
Brian: If you say that’s what she said one more time I’m gonna pop you.

Brian: Gosh, I’d like to help you, Peter, but I’ve got to go out into the hall and chew on the back of my ass for about five minutes.

Meg: I can’t believe he’s over me!
Mort: I can’t believe I’m out 34 grand!
Peter: I can’t believe its not butter! Stick around! More Family Guy coming up!

Trisha Takanawa: Thank you, Diane. Sex. Some people have it anonymously. What kind of person would do that you might ask? Well, I’m about to find out. I’ve just picked up a complete stranger in a hotel bar and he’s in the bathroom right now, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man, as we take you in-depth and undercover.
(Quagmire walks into the room in his boxers and lays down on the bed.)
Quagmire: I’ve never had a Spanish chick before! O-LE!!!

Gun Advocate: Guns don’t kill people, dangerous minorities do.

Simpsons Quotes 4

Dave — Wed, 20 May 2009 16:01:20 +0000

Marge (on radio): Husband on murderous rampage. Send help. Over.
Chief Wiggum: Whew, thank God that’s over. I was worried for a little bit.

Mr. Burns: I don’t like being outdoors Smithers, for one thing, there’s too many fat children.

Bart: What’s Santa’s Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he’s trying to jump over, but can’t quite make it.

Grandpa: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.
P.S. I am not a crackpot.

Homer: It’s true, I’m a Rageaholic…..I just can’t live without Rageahol.

Family Guy Quotes 11

Dave — Thu, 14 May 2009 16:01:11 +0000

Vanessa: Chris you have to put your parents into a home! Don’t you ever want to inherit this Fu**ing house?!?
Chris: Now Vanessa, don’t swear around Pablo.
Vanessa: Oh that little shit’s from Guam or something. He probably only speaks Spanish.
Stewie (Pablo): Hey “Nessa”—a bullet sounds the same in every language so stuff a sock in it cow!

Chris: I don’t want to get rid of my pimple, I like him. He’s my friend. His name is Doug.
Brian: I just wish I didn’t have to look at it.
Chris: Well, we have to look at your ANUS all day!
Stewie: Thank you!

Lois: Okay here we go, “What color is a fire truck?”
Peter: Aww, oh God I always get these. Umm…okay..uhh…all right…fire truck…fire truck…fire truck fire truck fire truck. What color are those red fire trucks? Uhh..Oh god I can picture them now…all red and everything.

(Stewie is eating dirt)
Stewie: I say Rupert, these crumpets you’ve prepared are positively divine! Mmm, excellent texture, provocative suppore , try another you say? Well, aren’t I the wicked one?!
Lois: Stewie, don’t eat dirt, it’s disgusting.
Stewie: Oh and I suppose those bilious curds you force fed me from your teet were perfectly fine then!

Lois: Aren’t you upset that your wife cheated on you with your best friend?
Cleveland: Better with Quagmire than someone she could get a disease from.

Crazy Laws 20

Dave — Wed, 13 May 2009 16:01:19 +0000

In the Uk it is illegal for a boy under 10 to see a mannequin naked.
In Sweden prostitution is legal however obtaining the services of a prostitute is illegal.
In Isreal picking your nose on the Sabbath is illegal
In Singapore it is illegal to pee in an elevator.
In Australia children may not purchase cigarettes, but they may smoke them.

Simpsons Quotes 3

Dave — Wed, 13 May 2009 16:01:05 +0000

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Marge: My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first.
Mayor Quimby: Chat away. I’ll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.

Marge: Grandpa, are you sitting on the apple pie?
Grandpa: I sure hope so…

Ralph (to a wolf): Will you be my mommy? You smell like dead bunnies.

Homer: Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

Simpsons Quotes 2

Dave — Thu, 07 May 2009 16:01:26 +0000

Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.

Lisa: I’m an ugmo
Homer: Now, that’s not true. You’re cute as a bug’s ear.
Lisa: Father’s have to say that little stuff.
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug’s ear?
Grandpa: No. You’re homely as a mule’s butt.
Homer: There. See?

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer’s Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how!
Homer’s Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woohoo!

Homer: Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Homer: My ears are burning.
Lisa: I wasn’t talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside, so I lit a Q-tip.