Men vs. Women

Why is it that God has seen fit to make women and men so different? Besides the obvious differences, genitalia, femininity, child bearing and menstrual cycles, there are a thousand diametrical contradictions between us. It’s because of his sense of humor, that’s why. He had just finished building the earth, heavens and eternity and when Sunday rolled around it was Miller time or something. He made Adam, borrowed a rib and then came Eve. THAT is where things got messed up right there. I bet the first thing Adam had to do was take out the trash, sore ribs and all. She didn’t care that God hadn’t created light yet. She was perfectly happy bitchin’ in the dark.

I’ve heard it said a million times that men will never understand women. I beg to differ. We DO understand women, we just don’t frickin believe it that’s all. Argue, argue, argue, bitch, bitch, bitch. Man. All the time. They say never go to bed mad at each other. Really? What does that even mean? Stay up and fight? Women know stuff that men don’t and it’s not fair. They have long memories too. Why is it that in the midst of a heated argument, they will bring up something that happened five years ago that has nothing to do with what we’re arguing about? Nothing. In shock, we stand there with that dumbfounded, deer in the headlights look trying to figure out what just happened. It changed the whole topic. And while we’re standing there in total disbelief trying to figure out what just happened, they are so far along in their wailing we have no choice but to give up and lose. It’s at this juncture we know it’s over and anything said past this point is the start of a brand new argument.

My wife not only knows every single birthday and anniversary in her family, but mine too! I don’t care who you are, this is contrary to the ordinary course of nature. Borderline savant. She’s damn hard to argue with I’ll tell you that. Sometimes I feel like we, as men, don’t have much of a chance. And boy do they love their children. I’m not saying men don’t, we do, just not like they do. Women know every little detail about them. Birthdays, allergies, likes, dislikes, boyfriends and how to buy school supplies. They know shoe sizes, how big they are in the waist, what their favorite colors are. Men are vaguely aware of some little people living in the house. In all fairness, and I’ve always said, if it weren’t for women there would be, like 6 people on the planet. Yeah we’re different. I guess it’s better that way somehow. I just wish the footing was a little more even that’s all.
As it is, women will always sit and listen to a ten year old for an hour talk about how he almost caught a fly ball, and be just as proud of them as they can be. But men? We’ll always want to knock a fart out of him for making an error in left field.

A Day in Sam’s Life…

So I went to the pharmacy to pick up some Super Spike styling gel. I was milling around the back of the store pondering over the vast assortment of hair styling products. All of a sudden a blonde cashier from the front raced past me and alerted another staffer that a woman was trying to make off with some stolen goods. One of the pharmacist’s, another blonde, slightly older, left her station and followed the action toward the front of the store. My curiosity, like always, was rampant and the Super Spike could wait. I assumed a stealth mode and followed behind them.

The thief, a medium sized woman, knew the jig was up. She was shuffling down the aisle in quick small steps. An obvious attempt to dodge her pursuers. The posse now included a balding store manager and two apprehensive blonde clerks. Watching from behind the Max Factor display, I noticed the alleged thief wore no brassiere or shoes. She was dressed in a skimpy light brown top and black stretch pants. She did have on socks, and her breasts were swaying uncontrollably. I immediately felt sorry for her. I was trying desperately to telepathically inform her to drop the stuff, they can’t get you if it’s still in the store. It was like, an automobile accident unfolding in front of you and instinctively you slam on your brakes as if to save them. And like I was in a combat zone trying not to get shot, I found myself creeping from the Max Factor display to between the Revlon and the sunglass case.

With cat like instincts I watched. I was now in the perfect position to observe. A heavy vapor of body odor hit me like an invisible fog. It was so intense that it actually overpowered the Obsession sitting on the shelf beside me. The thief had moments before scrambled down this aisle and I had mistakingly stumbled into her wake. She could have been anywhere from thirty to fifty. Cinching the noose, they stopped her at the door just short of the Duracell batteries. The store manager, accompanied by his two clerks, good-naturedly attempted to gain her confidence. I could make out only parts of the conversation. She looked straight ahead, avoiding eye contact with everyone. She had an unnatural high-pitched tone. The kind that makes you want to clear your throat. I felt sorry for her even more. Embarrassed for her.

The store manager evidently felt her to be harmless enough, he was talking to her in sympathetic, almost caring tones. Although his physical appearance left a little to be desired, I admired his tact and sensitivity. For a moment I thought he was reaching her. I could hear her voice shifting from the high-pitched tone to something resembling adult speech. The two of them disappeared around the corner of another aisle. Damn. I had to find different cover. As I was making my move, the manager made a strategic blunder. He moved around her in an attempt to lead her down the aisle she had came from. This left a huge opening in the snare. She seized her opportunity for freedom. Just as an oblivious customer was coming in, and the automatic door opened, she bolted out, startling everyone. She was clutching some small object in her hand.

She bounded across the parking lot crossing the busy street. The balding store manager and his blonde assistants made a feeble attempt to chase her, but decided that whatever it was she had done wasn’t worth the effort. The madwoman was running though one of the widest and busiest streets in the area, and we all watched in horror as she charged blindly across it. I expected to see a flattened carcass at any moment. Flashes of Eyewitness news crews and Life Flight raced through my mind. I could see myself explaining the whole torrid story bravely to a beautiful brunette roving reporter, sadly grimacing while nodding my head from side to side. But, she survived. Turns out she could run remarkably well for an overweight madwoman. She sprinted through the Block Buster parking lot, maneuvered a corner like Mario Andretti and vanished from sight. Carl Lewis couldn’t have caught her. I returned to the Super Spike, slightly shaking, and resumed my original quest. As I paid for the gel, I chatted with the young blonde who had now returned to her station shakily. I asked what the woman had stolen. Turns out, she had taken nothing. The small object she was clutching in her hand was a pack of gum the store manager had given her in return for surrendering the stolen goods. And what was it that she had attempted to steal in the first place? Deodorant, the girl told me. It now all made perfect sense.

Growing Old…

At 59, I think I’ve noticed that deterioration has not only become foreseeable but inevitable. I feel like one of those public statues that attract pigeons. I’ve crossed the half-century mark, and already sense the whoosh of angel wings around my shoulders. I find it shocking, and scary, that I’m now closer to eighty than twenty, closer to ninety than ten. I swear it was only yesterday that I was throwing baseballs over our house and screaming “Annie Over”. Now I have little hairs sprouting from various parts of my nose and ears. The barber’s scissors have become a nuisance in only reminding me of the march of time.

My ten-year-old inner self still grimaces at the reading glasses that lay on virtually every table at my house. The flecks of white in the eyebrows and beard, the wrinkles that seem to grow everyday. As an analogy, I think life is a lot like a toaster. You go in soft, pliable, and out pops a dried up old person. I guess that beats not popping out at all. Over the coming years I can look forward to liver spots, failing memory, calcified arteries, digestive miseries, prostate and bladder complaints, faulty hearing, sadistic joints and those damn free radicals overtaking every cell in my body. I’ve already shrunk half an inch from my once proud six-foot three inch stature. It doesn’t seem possible that I’ve already outlived most of my friends and some of my family, considering all that I’ve done. Hell, if I were to keel over tomorrow I’d be less famous than a Chia Pet. That’s a sad piece of information right there.

It’s already too late for me to become an astronaut or a nuclear physicist or maybe a writer. And as proof of that fact, I just gave up on finding three synonyms for “detestable.” What’s even more troubling than the relentless march of time is its damnable tendency to accelerate as we age. When I was a child of six, one year was an entire universe of discovery and jubilation, a vast arena in which every experience tasted like a new ice cream flavor. Peach today, Rocky Road tomorrow. A year represented a massive chunk of my child life. But now, being a man of age, a year encompasses a mere two percent of the territory, a barely perceptible blip on the scale of a life time. Days become weeks, weeks become months, months become years. I’m thinking of all the time I’ve spent checking e-mail, brushing my teeth, driving, nodding off during business meetings, or reading the sports section for the thousandth time. Add up all those forgettable moments and it’s no wonder I misplace car keys, forget to water the garden or wash the damn truck. Hell, sometimes I misplace an entire decade.

Although, I’m not without weapons in the war against time. None of us are. I mean, if you think about it. I snatch victories when and where I can by creating moments, like walking in the rain, fishing on a beautiful lake in the evening or appreciating how the sun looks as it too, disappears over the horizon. But even those memories recede eventually. I try and fill my life with the love of family and friends. But even my favorite people tend to mutate over time. Sometimes into odd and unrecognizable people. I have convinced myself that I’m growing in wisdom, even though I’m losing mental dexterity along with precious I.Q. points seemingly everyday. I argue that time and gravity are the same. Both pulls us into a steeper and faster descent, we narrow our focus to the path ahead, dodging the occasional obstructions, hitting one every now and then. They seem to just poke up from no where. In the descent, you begin to spot the bodies of the luckless ones who crashed or spun out of control, former people you’ve known who came to grief in their own descent. We pass them, we pass everything in a blur as we accelerate, thinking we’re still in control, but no one ever survives that sudden stop. It’s like jumping from a 50 story building. Down around the 25th floor or so, you’re thinking, well, so far so good. Cause of death? Stop trauma. We then close our eyes and enter the next realm of possibility.

10 Celebrities Whose Leaked Nude Photos We Don’t Want to See

When are celebrities going to learn to stop taking nude pictures of themselves? It seems that just about every week there’s a new celebrity who has taken nude pics on their cell phone that were summarily leaked onto the internet. And it always seems to happen to the young, good-looking celebrities. Thank goodness it  not the seasoned veterans or overweight stand-up comedians. There are definitely people who I do not—under any circumstances—want to see nude. Here’s my top 10:

1. Steve Buscemi

Steve Buscemi is not one of those actors who used to be good looking and then let himself go, like Marlon Brando or Kirstie Alley. Buscemi has never been a pin up or heartthrob, and even the thought of seeing his skinny pale body laid out on a beach towel in Maui gives me the shivers.

 

2. Kathy Bates

Bates already appeared fully nude in ‘About Schmidt” (2002), and that is the sole reason I have never seen that critically acclaimed movie.

 

 

3. Louie CK

Louie CK is one of the funniest comedians today. He has a critically acclaimed show on FX and can basically do whatever he wants. But a pasty-skinned, middle-aged, slightly overweight ginger posing in his bathroom with a phone is not the image I want to see when I log in to Reddit.

 

4. Jonah Hill

Like John Belushi, John Candy, and Chris Farley before him, Jonah Hill capitalizes well on the funny fat guy cliché, but just because he makes me laugh doesn’t mean I want to see him hoola hooping naked.

 

 

5. Whoopi Goldberg

Funny woman, intellectual, activist, grandma—Whoopi you have a lot going for you. But if you start taking pictures of your unclothed body, I will stop watching ‘The View.” I swear, this time I’m not joking.

 

 

6. Randy Jackson

“Hey, dog, I—uh—loved you on American Idol. I loved your critiques of the contestants, dog. But, um, I’m not going to pass you on to the next round. Whatever you want to do in your own bathroom is fine, but this is a contest you aren’t going to win.”

 

7. Betty White

Betty, I love you. Just not in that way.

 

 

8. Michael Cera

No matter what this guy is in, or how many movies he makes, he’ll always be George Michael Bluth to me. And when you start talking about naked teenage boys that goes into territory I am unwilling to explore.

 

 

9. Ann Coulter

You know, I usually like fit, thin women, but when they start looking like Jack the Pumpkin King, with shoulder blades like giant Ginsu knives, I draw the line. Please, Skeletor—I mean—Ann, don’t get frisky with your cell phone anytime soon.

 

10. Queen Elizabeth

I’m not a royal hater. Whatever those crazy Brits want to do with their goverment is fine with me. But what the Queen Mum and Prince Philip want to do in the privacy of their Buckingham Palace master suite should be kept far from the public eye. For our own good.

 

James Ged is a writer who watches way too much TV and spends hours a day on the internet. Usually he blogs for CableTV.com, but he also shares cool entertainment stuff on TV Buzzer.

10 Signs You Might be a Dictator

Lately, the news has been filled with Middle East uprisings, citizens taking to the streets to overthrow their long-time dictators. Despite holding positions of power for decades, many dictators did not start out that way. Some of them were just normal people before they joined the military and started on their paths to pursuing nationwide domination.

That means anyone can potentially become a dictator, even you. So, how do you know if you are on the road toward totalitarian rule over your home country? There are plenty of warning signs, and we have decided to list them here for your own safety.

1. You liked to torture small animals when you were a child. Yes, using a magnifying glass to burn an ant counts, even if it never worked. In fact, tossing your cat over a balcony, shooting squirrels with your BB gun, and making your friend eat a praying mantis all count, you sick, twisted sadist.

2. You ate all the Corn Pops and never cared if your siblings got any. This one is just wrong, and you know it. Your mom bought that cereal for everyone, and you kept it all for yourself. This probably included threats on your brothers and sisters, and maybe even acts of violence.

3. You like to add titles like “The Magnificent” or “Big Daddy” to your name. Other common pre-dictator titles include “O.G.”, “The Man”, “Queen Bee”, and “Mistress”. You like it when people call you names that imply power and control, and you are well on your way to being a despot.

4. You require your kids to use a “sir sandwich” (i.e. “Sir, Yes Sir!”). Your life is not a remake of Black Hawk Down, and your children are not your recruits, servants, or minions. Now, make them call you something normal like Pops or Mama before someone calls CPS.

5. Your favorite self-help book is 7 Habits of Highly Controlling People. If control is your game, the role of dictator will suit you well. In some cases, you just cannot help yourself. You have obsessive-compulsive disorder and probably some Mommy or Daddy issues, but unless you get the help you need, you may wake up one day with a P90 in one hand and a 300-page manifesto in the other.

6. You think Oprah needs more power to be taken seriously. Dude, if Oprah had anymore power, she would rule the world, and the fact that you know that makes you dangerous. If you often find yourself envious of powerful people, you may soon find a way to supplant them with or without their consent.

7. Your friends refused to play king of the hill with you. For that matter, no one liked playing with you at all. You always had to win and would kick, bite, stab, and punch anyone who got in your way. You once made Billy Wilson wet his pants. There is a word for kids like you: Bully. The word for grownups like you is Tyrant.

8. Your favorite game is Risk. Sure, it is just an innocent game, but it is about global domination and is often played by grown men who take it very seriously. Worst of all, you know how to cheat at risk or even threaten your opponents with real life bodily harm if they do not surrender to your forces. For you, Risk is not just a game; it is life.

9. You often end discussions by quoting Alexander The Great. No one else knows Alexander The Great quotations, and the fact that you do makes you scary. The obsession probably does not stop there. You may even dress up as an ancient Macedonian king for Halloween parties. You need help before it is too late.

10. You are a CEO of a major corporation and love wearing turtlenecks to conventions. Furthermore, you have to control every aspect of your organization down to the last cent. Even low level micro-managers are potential dictators, but you already do it on a global scale. Just like a dictator, people often discuss what would happen to your company if you died and wonder who would succeed you.

It only takes one of these ten signs to start you on the path to tyranny. People are already afraid of you, and you think everyone loves you. But do not despair. There is help for people like you, although it may involve electric shock or talking about your feelings with complete strangers. Never give up hope.

 

Tavis J. Hampton is a senior staff writer for All Blogs Considered and prefers web hosts that love democracy and freedom like web server company 34SP.com. He believes the phrase “let them eat cake” is the root of all obesity.

 

Testicle Therapy

If she were golfer...Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.  He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.  ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if  you’d allow me,’ she told him. ‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his groin for several long moments and then asked, ‘Sir..How does that feel’?
‘Oh My God…Lady, Feels great’, he replied; ‘but I still think my thumb’s broken!’

ICML

The International Council of Man Laws

  1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
  2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
    • When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    • The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
    • After wrecking your boss’s car.
    • When she is using her teeth.
  3. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
  4. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
  5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
  6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.
  7. In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
  8. When stumbling upon other guy watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
  9. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she’s officially your girlfriend.
  10. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.
  11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
  12. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
  13. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
  14. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
  15. Women who claim they ‘love to watch sports’ must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
  16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
  17. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
  18. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
  19. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly ‘just a friend’ have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
  20. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
  21. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, limegreen, orange or sky blue..
  22. The girl who replies to the question ‘What do you want for Christmas?’ with ‘If you loved me, you’d know what I want!’ gets an Xbox360. End of story.
  23. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics..
    Ever.
  24. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

Fast Sex

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office…but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said,
‘I’ll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you…
‘The girl looked at him, and then said, ‘NO!’

Eddie said, ‘I’ll be real fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down and I’ll finish by the time you’ve picked it up.’

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with he rboyfriend… so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, ‘Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won’t even be able to get his pants down.’

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend’s call.. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls her on her cell phone and asks what happened…?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

‘The bastard used all quarters!’

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Dysfunctional Section of Hallmark

  1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you’ve come into my life…
    (Inside card) – I’ve changed my mind.
  2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life…
    (Inside card) – I never believed in Hell until I met you.
  3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am…
    (Inside card) – That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
  4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go…
    (Inside card) – Will you take the knife from my back? You’ll probably need it again.
  5. Someday I hope to marry…
    (Inside card) – Someone other than you.
  6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age…
    (Inside card) – Almost lifelike!
  7. When we were together, you said you’d die for me…
    (Inside card) – Now we’ve broken up, I think it’s time to keep your promise.
  8. We’ve been friends for a very long time…
    (Inside card) – What do you say we stop?
  9. I’m so miserable without you…
    (Inside card) – It’s almost like you’re still here.
  10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…
    (Inside card) – Did you ever find out who the father was?
  11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…
    (Inside card) – I’d miss you terribly and think of you often.
  12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday…
    (Inside card) – So we’re having you put to sleep.
  13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in
    Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)
  14. Looking back over the years we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder…
    (Inside card) – What was I thinking?
  15. Congratulations on your wedding day!…
    (Inside card) – Too bad no one likes your husband.

Jokes 08-31-10

What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out.

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked the car. The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected, “Ouch! That ring is hurting me!” To which he replied “That’s no ring… That’s my watch!”

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. “I know you’ve been with a lot of women before. how many were there?” The husband replied, “Look, I don’t want to upset you, there were many. Let’s just leave it alone.” The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. “Let’s see.” he said “There was one, two, three four, five, six, you, eight nine…”

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her tits and an old man jerking himself off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says “What’s up with your neighbours? and the owner of the house says “Oh that’s the Robinson’s they’re both deaf. She’s telling him to go milk the cow and he’s telling her to go fuck herself!”

This guy is walking down the street, when a hooker approaches him and asks, “Say, wanna have a good time?” “Sure!” he says as they head off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes, all the whiles he’s staring at her. The hooker says, “Is this the first pussy you’ve seen since you crawled out of one?” The guy says “Nope, just the first one I’ve seen big enough to crawl back into.”