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Jokes 08-31-10

Dave — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 16:01:14 +0000

What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out.

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked the car. The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected, “Ouch! That ring is hurting me!” To which he replied “That’s no ring… That’s my watch!”

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. “I know you’ve been with a lot of women before. how many were there?” The husband replied, “Look, I don’t want to upset you, there were many. Let’s just leave it alone.” The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. “Let’s see.” he said “There was one, two, three four, five, six, you, eight nine…”

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her tits and an old man jerking himself off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says “What’s up with your neighbours? and the owner of the house says “Oh that’s the Robinson’s they’re both deaf. She’s telling him to go milk the cow and he’s telling her to go fuck herself!”

This guy is walking down the street, when a hooker approaches him and asks, “Say, wanna have a good time?” “Sure!” he says as they head off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes, all the whiles he’s staring at her. The hooker says, “Is this the first pussy you’ve seen since you crawled out of one?” The guy says “Nope, just the first one I’ve seen big enough to crawl back into.”

Jokes 08-24-10

Dave — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 16:01:53 +0000

An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon. After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions. They yell to a jogger, “Hey, can you tell us where we’re at?” After a few moments the jogger responds, “You’re in a hot-air balloon.” The engineer says, “You must be a mathematician.” The jogger, shocked, responds, “Yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?”
“Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless.”

Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die. Upon Jeff’s arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
“Where is my friend Mike?” Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, “Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven.”
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, “Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is ok?”
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and also with a keg of beer.
“I don’t mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell,”
“It’s not as it appears to be,” says St. Peter. “You see, the keg has a hole in it… and the blonde doesn’t.”

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over all the students handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his tests, his test and $64 change.

A man is at the airport.
Name?
Abdul al-Rhazib
Sex?
Three to five times a week.
No, no.. I mean male or female?
Male, female, sometimes camel
Holy Cow!
Yes, Cow, sheep, animals in general
But isn’t that hostile?
Horse style, doggy style, any style!
Oh Dear!
No, no! Deer run too fast!

Near Death Experience
A boss asked one of his employees, “do you believe in life after death?”
“Yes, sir” replied the new employee.
“I thought you would, said the boss. “Yesterday after you left to go to your brothers funeral, he stopped by to see you.”

Shame
“You should be ashamed,” the father told his son, Andy. “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk 10 miles everyday to get to school”
“Really?” Andy responded. “Well, when he was your age, he was president.”

Customer Bowled Over by Service
A car mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clanking noise when going around a corner so he took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk.
When he arrived back at the garage he returned the car to the service manager with this note: “Remove bowling ball from trunk.”

Jokes 08-17-10

Dave — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 16:01:54 +0000

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

Women might be able to fake orgasms but men can fake whole relationships.

Light travels faster then sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

Yet another 27 One Liners

Dave — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 23:27:27 +0000

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
When in doubt, mumble.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

The Double D Show Episode Nine

Dave — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 11:04:02 +0000

So Dirty is alone in the studio in Calgary and Dave is in Newfoundland. Dave was searching for the main ingredient for Scuba Cowboys next recipe.

Once again, we ask you to share your ideas and comments. What do you want us to do on the Double D Show? If you have a question for Dirty or Dave email us askmalewail [at] malewail.com or leave a comment here.
Or you can visit or Facebook Page, Get us on Twitter or on Youtube

Holy shit theres 25 more One Liners

Dave — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 23:13:15 +0000

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Fixed My Computer

Dave — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 23:34:57 +0000

After going through a virus attack,
Losing a hard drive,
Fighting off hackers,
Upgrading all my software,
Installing fire-walls,
Being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider,
And a host of other problems…

I have fixed my computer…

And NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!

25 More One Liners

Dave — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 23:02:39 +0000

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

The New Doctor

Dave — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 16:01:52 +0000

I went to the doctor the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female,and drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said,

“I’m not sure, but I think my penis tastes funny…”

The good old days

Dave — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 16:01:15 +0000

“When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store
with a dollar, and I’d come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread,
three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a box of tea, and a half a dozen eggs.

You can’t do that now.

Too many fuckin’ security cameras.”