Picture this: It’s 2013, you’ve just finished work and you’re pretty tired. As you enter your car, you see a few drunken men walk towards you. You laugh as you put the key in the ignition, but then you suddenly realise these guys aren’t just drunk – they’re zombies!
credit: Abode of Chaos
That’s right; zombies! We’re not talking about an extra-feature on Call of Duty; we’re talking about a serious zombie apocalypse that is surely destined to begin anytime soon! So with that being said, are you really happy with your bog-standard car as protection? Surely driving something with a bit more ‘don’t f-with me’ attitude would be more suitable.
Here are the cars that will probably save your life when the zombies hit, and thanks to the fact that you can go out and buy these things, it may be a good idea to check your bank balance first – as some of them aren’t cheap!
The ‘fastest car in the world’ may not be the most obvious car to drive when you’re trying to kill and avoid zombies, but with more power than every car in the world put together and tyres thicker than what heavy goods vehicles have, the Veyron starts to become quite the zombie-killer.
Let’s be honest, if a zombie apocalypse begins, you’re going to want a car that’s fast and well-built – and that’s where the Veyron comes in. With a 1001hp W12 engine, the Veyron will outsprint any zombie, and is well-built enough to withstand a few games of zombie-bowling – with you acting as the ball, of course.
A van?! Damn right a van! It’s easy to see why a Ford Transit would be an ideal automobile to use during a zombie invasion when you consider the notion of size vs. weight. Think about a Transit van: massive, heavy and tall. Now think about a zombie: less than 15-stone, thin and easy to knock over. Put the two together and you’ve got yourself a recipe for success!
Just keep the Transit moving and aim at any zombies in your sight. There’s no way these things will be moving after being trampled by your working-class hero!
Fighting zombies has never been an easy feat, but by driving round in an 8.0-litre V10 with over 800bhp and more torque than Zeus, the Dodge Viper is probably the most fun you can have whilst running over and dodging the dead.
Torque is an important factor when choosing your zombie-killing car and the Dodge Viper is one of the most torque-orientated cars in the world. The Americans don’t make cars with much technological flair, but what they are incredible at is building cars with brutal and simple mechanical strength – perfect for zombie bashing!
Peugeot 205 GTI
Can’t afford the aforementioned supercars? Don’t worry: there’s a car for that! The old Peugeot 205 GTI may be a relic from the 1980s, but it still remains as one of the best handling chassis ever made and would be an ideal partner for a day of zombie-avoiding. The 1.9-litre engine is powerful and responsive enough to clear any mob of blood-thirsty zombies coming your way and the handling characteristics means you can go pretty much flat-out everywhere!
Heavier than every planet in the Milky Way, the Bentley Arnage-R is British, powerful, pompous, full of character and, above all, rubbish. It was never an amazing car, but thankfully its few brilliant features, such as its insane V8 power plant and the fact that it weighs more than most WWI tanks, means you can utilise it as a zombie-killer.
Even if the zombies latch onto your rear-end, don’t worry; they’re still about half a mile from you in the cabin! The Arnage is so long it’s almost a moving joke. You’ll have the zombies confused; which would be a perfect time to unleash your 6.75-litre V8 and mash them to death!
What better way to fight the zombies than by you sitting back and allowing them to laugh themselves to death? Buying a SsangYong Rodius is a sure-fire way of ensuring death-by-laughter because… well… look at it! If ever a ‘LMFAO’ was relevant, it would be here.
And even if that doesn’t work and they end up attacking you, at least they’ll take the car with them – meaning there’s one less Rodius in the world.
Well, silver clouds and all that.
Honda Civic Type-R
The Civic Type-R may not be the most powerful hot-hatch on sale, but it does use its 200bhp very cleverly. It’s a v-tec engine, meaning all of its power comes from 5,000rpm and above. So if you love thrashing an engine half to death whilst knocking zombies for six, then the Civic Type-R is the hatch for you!
Even better, buy one with a Martelius exhaust fitted. Then all you’d have to do is rev the engine a few times and you’d scare the zombies half to death.
Article written by motoring, business, pet and home insurance specialists, PolicyExpert.co.uk.