50 phrases you wish you could say at work

1. Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
27.Do I look like a people person?
28. This isn’t an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
31. You!… Off my planet!
32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
35. Allow me to introduce my selves.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37.Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
40. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
42. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
43. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door 1?
44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
46. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
47.How do I set a laser printer to stun?
48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
49. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
50. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

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25 responses to “50 phrases you wish you could say at work”

  1. Jayne Avatar

    Haha… the fuck-up fairy. He never gets a day off, does he.

    Found your site through Stumble-Upon. Love it!

    1. Dave Avatar

      Thanks for stopping by. Got to Love Stumble.

  2. FincherFanatic Avatar

    🙂 These phrases are awesome: “I am trying to imagine you with a personality”?! WTF?!! This is great. Where did you collect all these or did you come up with them yourself? 🙂 Very funny! Two thumbs up!

    1. Dave Avatar

      I can’t remember where they came from, I’ve had them saved for years.

  3. David Avatar

    I just woke up….now I know I’m going to have a good day!

  4. Filipe Avatar

    LOL, soooooooo fuckin funny ! Love the sarcasm …

  5. Torber Avatar

    Ironically I’ve said number 6, 49, and 50 at work.
    I’d like to give a damn but I don’t.

  6. Paul Avatar

    I use about 5 regularly … 12 recently, and No. 50 today … but then I’m English.

  7. andrew Avatar

    Am I the only one who noticed there is no number 39?

    1. andrew Avatar

      and number 30?

  8. dave Avatar

    Haha… good phrases

  9. business Avatar

    Very funny!

  10. Michael Avatar

    HAHA. I definitely agree with this one sometimes:

    “I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.”

  11. GL Avatar


    Good stuff here!! Found you through Entrecard!

  12. lingerie Avatar

    These phrases are great! Everyone thinks these things.

  13. babydoll Avatar

    Very funny! If only I could say these things and a few more.

  14. John J Savo Avatar

    Well, I’m self employed, so I can say all those things and more.

    Great list. I’ll have to try some of them.

    1. malewail Avatar

      But if you are self employed who would you get to say them too?

  15. John J Savo Avatar

    To my customers and clients that piss me off.

  16. Alex Avatar

    I'll use some of these awesome phrases with my English-speaking colleagues. Guess they have good sense of humour! 😉

  17. Janette Avatar

    There are only 49.

  18. Janette Avatar

    Correction: 48

    1. Dave Avatar

      You are correct. There is no #30 or #39. Can anyone come up with the missing phrases?

  19. Janette Avatar

    Two I enjoy using are: 'Does this look like the face of a person that cares' and 'Here's a quarter, go call someone who cares'.

  20. Someguy Avatar

    I agree that some of these are witty, but most stink of racism and sociopathy. I bet most comments are from a certain demographic.

    If these are the kind of thoughts that pass through your mind frequently during your everyday job, then life must be miserable. All that festering hate.

    It may help to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and imagine what they may have gone through. Compassion and forgiveness could really make you feel much better and help you sleep peacefully at night.