1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
  5. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
  6. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
  7. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
  8. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
  9. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
  11. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  12. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
  13. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  14. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  15. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  16. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
  17. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
  18. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  19. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  20. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
  21. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
  22. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
  23. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
  24. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  25. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.