1. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
  2. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
  3. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  4. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  5. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
  6. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  7. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  8. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  10. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  11. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
  12. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  13. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  14. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  15. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
  16. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  17. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
  18. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
  19. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
  20. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  21. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
  22. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  23. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  24. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
  25. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.